If you're looking for real information about sex, love, and intimacy on the Internet, instead of titillating text or web drivel, then you've come to the right place.
As a psychologist and sex therapist and Director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, CA, I have a pretty good handle on what kinds of sex and relationship problems keep people up at night, and I plan to help you solve them.
Fireworks enchant us. They suggest fantasy and fun with fleeting moments of intense spark. That's why sex and fireworks are so often compared. But admit it, your sex life may have fizzled like an aerial display above a gloomy harbor.
What is always the first step to changing things up? That's right, admit there's a problem. Look, there's no sense in either of you feeling obliged to have boring sex, then rolling over to stare at the ceiling only to ask yourself, "What was that?"
Next step? Admit your boredom. Yep, take a risk. Let your partner know that you've gotten bored. Don't blame your partner for your boredom because you'll really cause hurt feelings. Best to have the conversation outside the bedroom instead of right after that wimpy or nonexistent climax.
Third step? Take responsibility. Talk to your partner about the fact that you haven't added anything to the fireworks cache, either. Let your partner know that you're also open to suggestions. Besides, it may even be more feedback that is missing for you.
Fourth: Figure out the core of the problem. Do you need more of a warm-up before you even get down to foreplay? More oral sex? Want your neck licked? Or maybe you need a different environment, different music, a massage...
Fifth: Experiment, and keep experimenting. As Carrie suggested in the "Sex and the City" flick, you've got to color outside the lines.
"I want to feel wanted," is a refrain I often hear from clients who are in the throes of a relationship meltdown. And what makes someone feel more wanted than having someone they cherish make passionate love to them? Unfortunately, all too often, passion fades and partners are left feeling hollow and lonely.
There are many ways to increase feelings of passion in the bedroom, but 3 of the most important keys to passionate sex include:
There is no reason, really, for sex to grow stale. The best sex isn't necessarily sex with a stranger, but sex with someone who knows you. It takes passion to stay in a relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.
More than half of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator as part of their sex play, according to a blog post by sex educator Cory Silverberg. That's compared to only 1% of people way back in the 70's (but I'm guessing most people lied, using a vibrator back then would have been considered completely embarrassing, worse than having a bra strap show).
What is it about vibrators that make them so much fun? Well, everyone has a different reason for using them. It is interesting to note that a lot of couples that I see in my practice don't use vibrators, even though many fit the most common demographic according to Xandria (white, Christian, Republican women). I find that many people fear that a vibrator will replace intimacy in the bedroom, but that's just not true.
If you're in the group that has never used a vibrator, or if you need some inspiration to dust off the one hidden in your bedroom drawer, here is some inspiration in my top 10 list:
Continue reading "10 Top Reasons to Use a Vibrator (Even If You're Married)" »
Yes, I took a hiatus from blogging about sex last week. Look, I'm a psychologist, and we don't disclose a lot that's personal about ourselves, because when a client is in the office, it's all about you. But I can tell you that it can definitely be more fun to have sex than to blog about it! And, just as I preach, sometimes putting work aside for pleasure is a very good idea.
But now I'm back, feeling rather, well, refreshed. And what did I find to share with you? How about a TresSugar article stating that 8 out 10 Brits would rather sleep than have sex?
Sad, but true.
What does that say about the quality of most people's sex lives? They're pretty poor, I'd imagine. Sex is a thrill, a giggle, but this statistic suggests that it's a bore not worth more than a snore.
To zzzzzzzzz or not to zzzzzzzzzz, that is the question!
I could go with the idea that maybe you get your zzzzzzzzzzz's and then have sex in the morning. That I get.
(And if dare count to see if I am using the same number of z's [or, as the Brits say, zeds] in each instance, I swear to guacamole, I'm going to reach out of the screen and pinch your nose.)
But being so exhausted night after night after night? Isn't that just an excuse? I mean, the dishes will still be in the sink, the dust bunnies asleep under the bed, the plants still half dead from lack of water, when you wake up in the morning, right? So why not put aside a few tasks and have sex instead?
Really, it's okay. Go on, give yourself permission to have sex instead of doing that extra load of laundry or making next day's lunch.
You might end up with more energy and do all of those tasks with more ease the next day. Try it, you really might end up surprised.
Late last week, the media buzzed about a research article that suggested that "smart" women are more likely to experience orgasm than...dumb ones?
[If you want the quick skinny, check Dr. Petra Boynton's blog posts, in which she criticizes both the researchers (for the construction of the study and the researchers' conclusions, which are based on barely significant data) and the media (for equating Emotional Intelligence, or "EQ" with "IQ").]
My take is that women who either do not experience orgasm (anorgasmia) or who experience it infrequently have yet another reason to feel that they are sexually inadequate-or just simply inadequate.
After all, some women aren't bothered by anorgasmia or occasions when orgasm doesn't happen. Yet here is another article that suggests that women who don't have orgasm have some serious pathology going on. The fact is, about 10% of women never experience orgasm. Also, the ability to have orgasm may change with a woman's hormones or even the amount of stress she is experiencing. Orgasm just isn't such a cut and dry affair, as it mostly is with men.
(But even men have trouble with orgasm. More and more men are calling my office with delayed ejaculation--just taking too damn long to come.)
Then, women who have difficulty with orgasm are further damned by the media as having emotional stupidity. EQ is a fairly recent concept. EQ is your ability to manage your emotions and to understand the emotions of others. The premise is that the better you are able to do this, the more satisfying your social interactions.
But there is much more that goes into orgasm than being able to have good social interactions with your partner. Sure, being able to share yourself intimately with your partner might make it easier to tell your partner what you like, and to express yourself sexually.
This, however, does not bear out in my clinical experience and, I'm guessing, the clinical experience of other sex therapists and educators. The reason one woman orgasms easily and another one finds it takes more energy if it's going to happen may not be based on EQ, IQ, personality, or even the quality of her relationship. It may be related to lack of sex education regarding her body, her anatomy (some studies show that having a clitoris located closer to the vaginal opening helps, e.g.), and experience. It may have to do with
Continue reading ""Smart" Women and Orgasm: Don't Feel Bad Over "Low EQ"" »
In my last post, inspired by Elizabeth Edwards' book promo tour, I wrote about why affairs occur, and promised to post answers to solving a bad marriage, because in general having an affair isn't one of them.
If sexual frustration is one of the reasons you are considering going outside your marriage for satisfaction, please reconsider. Marriage does have ups and downs. Sex is not always guaranteed. Life really does get in the way. You need to have a mature outlook and realize that a marriage is about more than meeting your physical needs.
Before you go to your partner and make your requests, or demands, for sex, consider the context of your lives. What is currently happening in your partner's life, and in the wider world, that might be affecting their interest in sex? Are they struggling with physical symptoms? Have money woes kept them awake? Is there a shakeup at work? Are parents ill? Do kids struggle in school?
It isn't that any of these or other events should automatically give your partner a free pass for not having sex. It's that it is normal not to have much interest in sex when these things are going on.
The problem occurs when there is little or no discussion about the fact that life is getting in the way of intimacy. Sometimes that's because you or your partner are embarrassed to talk about sex. Instead of screwing someone or screwing up your marriage, how about screwing up your courage and sitting down with your partner to talk about the situation that you find yourselves in?
Let your partner know that you are sad, distraught, or even a bit angry that you haven't been able to be physically intimate. You might be surprised that your partner feels the same way, especially if you communicate your feelings without blame.
Once you let your feelings be known, hopefully you can then decide together how you are going to handle the current state of your sex life. You actually might have to accept that sex is going to have a low priority for now, but that doesn't mean that you can't share affection or caring with one another.
Or, you might find that doing some brainstorming about how the two of you can be together privately more often. You might need to send the children to a sleep away camp for a week, or to pay someone to take care of aging parents for a weekend out of each month. But just talking about the problem and taking some action, however small, might make the difference between total frustration and frustration that you can tolerate.
What if your sexual relationship is endangered because of psychological problems, such as your partner having an aversion to sex, or finds that sex is triggering memories of past negative sexual experiences such as abuse or assault? In that case, you need to be understanding that these problems are real and not just a reason your partner has come up with to stop having sex with you.
You'll need to set aside a private time and place to let your partner know how worried you are about their mental well-being. Point out, too, that having sex is natural and normal, and contributes greatly to the quality of one's life. It's true: People who stay sexual as they age are more likely to be healthier and happier.
Then ask how the two of you might work together to get over this impasse. You may be able to accomplish this by experimenting to see what works (lots of relaxation before sex, having sex with the lights on, etc.) and then talking about it. But if experiments do not go well or your partner is having difficulty just contemplating being sexual, then it's probably best to speak to a professional sex therapist; you can find one on the AASECT website.
It isn't that an affair is beyond anyone's understanding. It's that an affair rarely does more good than harm. At least try to resolve the problem; then you'll be able to leave your marriage with the knowledge that you did your best to adhere to your commitment, even if your partner was unwilling to do so.
I don't know, and apparently, neither does he.
Unless you've been brain dead for the last 24 hours, you've likely heard that Elizabeth Edwards has published a book (read the TIME excerpt here) about resilience and springing back after adversity. Elizabeth Edwards should know: she and John lost a child; she has fought breast cancer; and now, she has experienced the effects of infidelity.
The big question, of course, is why did John Edwards do it? Amazingly, he has no answer for Elizabeth. Even more amazingly, they seem to have had little or no discussion about it, other than agreeing that it was "that woman" who caused all the problems. (Sirens, you have found your leader in Rielle Hunter!)
None of us can ever know why anybody does anything; we can only guess. And for psychologists, ethically we are not permitted to diagnose public figures. We can only be circumspect and talk about problems in general. (So the next time you hear a media psychologist talk about someone as if they have given them a diagnosis, you'll know that they are stepping outside of ethical boundaries.)
So why does any man (I'm going to focus on men today, I'll talk about women another time), public or private, have an affair? I can share some of what I have observed:
Now, I know among my sexologist brethren (and sistren?) that there are those who minimize the effects of affairs on marriage. It's almost a given, goes the reasoning, so why are we all surprised? Get over it!
I disagree. The effects of a discovered affair reverberate not only in a marriage, but across generations. I can't begin to count how many folks have told me how hurt they were when one parent cheated on another, and sometimes that pain even drizzles down to grandchildren if the infidelity was public or had a flavor of incest (e.g., occurred between a husband and his sister-in-law). And then affairs can have an effect on a community, as when a pastor cheats with a congregant.
Another argument goes that "affairs are never about sex." Really? As you can see from my list, an affair can most definitely be about sex. An affair is often about chafing in the sexual constraints of a monogamous marriage, where communication about sex (and the topic of monogamy itself) is rare. It is about not getting sexual needs met and sometimes--out of desperation--a man goes outside his marriage.
Unfair? Yes. Wrong? Yes, I think so. An affair is a stupid fix to a bad problem. It's like fixing a problem with another problem. It's like using PVC pipe when copper is called for. (Recently, a man asked me--earnestly--if I had any advice before he commenced an affair with a married woman. "Check to see how big he is, and see if he has a gun," I quipped.)
Why don't men see that? It's hard to say. The mind isn't all that good at rational decision making when one is under duress. And clearly, Edwards was under duress: wife with cancer, campaign to run, and whatever else might have been going on in his life. Men sometimes do bad things when they are depressed, too, like drink or become irritable and nasty.
But an affair isn't the answer. Next post: Answers.
I came across a good article at EmpowerHer by colleague Marty Klein, a marriage and family therapist, on what's normal when it comes to sex. The section that most interested me was on performance anxiety, a very common but not especially normal problem in America's bedrooms.
When it comes to sex, performance anxiety is a real paradox. The more anxious you are about making the right moves to please your partner in bed, the less likely you are to do it. Not that you shouldn't try, but you need to approach pleasure with pleasure, not with fear and trepidation.
That fear is often about rejection. You may feel that one false move--a lick of the wrong part of the ear, a too loud slurp at your partner's privates--and you're going to be banished from the boudoir. Or show up with the wrong equipment--breasts that are too small, thighs that are too dimpled, a penis that curves--and you might as well call it quits.
Those fears come, in part, from social pressures to be perfect. Look at Susan Boyle--as soon as she was seen to have talent, she had to have the casings to go with it. Or look at television: kisses as choreographed as a Cirque du Soleil performance.
Even medicine gets in on the act, with something I saw referred to in a medical journal as the "sexual performance perfection industry." It isn't good enough to have a semi-decent erection--it needs to be hard, from medicine. It isn't good enough to use natural lubrication--it has to be warming or tingling lubrication bought off the shelf.
It's perfectly okay to show up and be yourself in bed. And it's perfectly okay to ask your partner to accept you as you are. Of course, you can be open to feedback on your technique, and you should ask your partner to listen to you, as well. But learning to make love better with your partner is a lot different than learning to make love perfectly. It isn't necessary. It's better to be real. Really.
"A Simple Marriage" is filled with simple marital advice. I guess it's written for simple couples. Do you know any simple couples? I don't.
In fact, to me the idea that a marriage can be simple is simply ridiculous.
My own marriage is pretty good. We've had our share of bumps and bruises along the way, but after being together 28 years--23 of them married--we get along well, rarely argue (except during the home remodel--don't ask about the tile floor argument, please), have shared interests, and are about to congratulate ourselves on raising a terrific daughter to adulthood.
Getting here wasn't simple, ever. And following simple advice isn't what got us here, either.
One of the keys to marriage is to forget about the marriage per se, and work on yourself. My husband needed to better understand feelings. I needed to better learn to manage my anger. My husband needed to learn how to communicate what was going on within himself. I needed to learn how to hang back, to turn inward and be more reflective and less reactive. And of course, there are more ways that we each needed to evolve in order to become better people and subsequently better partners.
Those are not simple things. They are difficult, sometimes painful, and slow to change.
Not to knock simple--simple lessons can be profound.
But simple won't work unless you have a handle on the more complex aspects of being in a relationship. Simple has appeal because the world is complex, but just as we'll never simplify the world, we'll never be able to boil human behavior down to a few little nuggets of thought, behavior, and meaning.
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