The Blog Erotic at The Buehler Institute

Just for Fun: Sex Findings

My colleague Yvonne Fulbright, Fox News' "sexpert," posted some interesting and current facts about sex in her online column.  Enjoy, and have a sexy weekend!

5 Hip Tips for Better Male Sexual Performance

If you are looking for a natural enhancer, a prescription medication without a prescription, or a magical potion for better erections, scat.  You don't want to be here.

If you are looking for ways to understand your sexuality better and to have more pleasure in bed, then stick around and read, because you're about to learn five of my top pieces of advice to men who have performance anxiety that spoils their lovemaking.

1. Sex is about more than your penis.  Surprise!  You have a whole, entire body to be explored.  So many men become penis-centric that they forget that their necks, backs, tush, and even the arches of their feet have erogenous nerve endings.  If you need more sexual attention from your partner, say so.  It will give you a chance to relax and enjoy your lovemaking experience.
2. Sex is better when you stay in the moment.  Don't worry about your next hot move.  Don't bother thinking about what position is going to make your partner explode.  Focus on what you are experiencing right here, right now.
3. Don't rely on porn to help you get off.  Look, porn is so much a part of our landscape that it's pretty much unavoidable.  (Except if you're me.  I don't look at porn.  I don't need to.)  The problem is that you kind of sort of forget what it's like to be with a partner.  Then you get with her and it's freak out time.  So don't get so into the porn that you can't perform sexually with a partner.
4. If you can't get it up, don't despair.  It happens to pretty much everyone, despite what your buddies may say.  Learn to develop your manual and oral sex technique, let your partner know how much she turns you on, and try again when you aren't so tired, worried, etc.
5. Don't let your mind get away from you.  Haven't you ever noticed that the minute you have the thought "What if I lose my erection?" it disappears?  Stop that.  When you have a negative sexual thought, just let it drift away like a cloud and replace it with something more useful like, "Wow, sex just feels so awesome right now."

Sex is not a performance, it's an experience.  If you eat a dish of ice cream, you don't worry about how you look or whether you are eating the ice cream correctly.  You just get into it and enjoy.  And that's the way it is with sex!
 

Yes, Marriage and Sex Come Ahead of Your Kids

It happens again and again.  Couples put their kids, their parents, their third cousins ahead of their marriage.  Then they complain that they never have time for sex.

Do you really want to have a sexless marriage? 

Kids don't stick around forever (unless, of course, they are terribly ill or disabled).  When the  kids move on, it's just the two of you.  And if you find yourself wondering how the two of you are ever going to manage your relationship without the kids, you've got a problem.  Unless, of course, you plan on becoming one of those parents that can't let go of their parenting role and try to keep your adult offspring a child forever.

A couple with children has a responsibility to model a strong marriage.  One of the ways a marriage stays strong is through intimacy--emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and sexual.  You can't have all aspects the same simultaneously, of course.  But you can't completely ignore one aspect and expect your relationship to be satisfying.

Sex may not be the most important part of a marriage, but think about the fact that one of the things that sets a marriage (or long-term relationship) apart from a friendship is sex.  Without sex, you are roommates.  Without sex, you may even be best friends, but you aren't lovers.  And unless you both have disinterest in sex (which does happen), one or both of you is going to start feeling a certain emptiness.

Because aside from the close contact we have from our mother when we are little, who else is going to hold you so tenderly or caress you so lovingly?  Sure, when your kids are little you get intense physical gratification from holding them close, but it isn't sexual.  It isn't the ultimate in intimacy.

So when I tell couples in sex therapy to make their marriage a priority, I mean it.  Yes, I am a parent.  Yes, I understand that the love for a child is different than the love for a partner.

But your partner is your lover, and no one can really be closer to you than that.  Doesn't the person with whom you have the most intimate relationship deserve to be first in your life?

As long as your kids have their health, then they can stand to be a little independent while you tend to your relationship.  Children don't have to be permitted to wring every last bit of energy from you every day.  And you can be permitted have a love life, just like any other adult.

What Women Don't Know about Male Sexuality

I could write on and on about male sexuality, but today I'm going to focus on the fact that women don't understand male sexuality very well at all.  Even I don't think I understood it very well myself until I became a sex therapist.  Now, about half my practice at any time is filled with men with sexual complaints, and I've learned a lot.

One thing I have learned is that men don't have a lot of emotional outlets, so much of their emotional life gets focused on sex and intercourse.  Men also don't maintain a lot of intimacy in their relationships apart from their wife or long-time partner, and the bedroom is where they experience it most intensely.

Women, on the other hand, have been socialized to believe that "All men want is sex!"  When a man comes to his partner with his sexual needs, she may not realize that he doesn't just want sex, he wants an emotional encounter.  He wants to express his love, and to feel loved.

I have written elsewhere in the past about the fact that some men rather easily separate sex and love, but when a man puts those two things together, he means it.  Women split sex and love also, however.  They have difficulty understanding that making love is just that--making love.  Sex is an avenue for the expression of deep feelings.

Bad Sex = Bad Communication x Poor Boundaries

So my little math lesson for today is an equation for bad sex.  Yes, people do have bad sex.  Awful sex.  Stay awake at night in the dark, geez this is terrible sex.

What makes sex bad?  First of all, bad communication.  I don't just mean, "Hey, could you move a millimeter south with your tongue," communication.  I mean lousy nonverbal communication, like acting as if you were a statue in bed with your partner.  And insults!  People say mean things about each other's bodies, odors, kisses, private parts, etc.  

The poor boundaries?  That has to do with giving in to sex when you don't want it, or pushing your partner into sex because you do.  It's coercing your partner into acts they don't like, or being so inhibited that it's the missionary polka every time you play together.

You know what I would love?  If you and your partner would discuss this equation and see how you might change it to create better sex, and if you're brave enough, leave a comment.

Arriba! Mexican Mayor Gives Away Viagra for Sex in the "Third Age"

The Mexico City Journal ran an article about the mayor giving away Viagra to men in the "third age," or the "golden years."  Mayor Marcelo Ebard got an itch in his pants, apparently, to give away this medicine to older men with erectile dysfunction.

Very good, great, I'm all for mature men, women, and couples making love well into their 60s, 70s, and 80s.  As far as research tells us, as long as a person has a partner available and is in decent health, they can and do have sex.

But can you spot the problem?  Very nice, the guy's bringing home pills to get an erection, and his wife may just toss them out the window.  (Jack and the Beanstalk got nothing

Post Valentine's Funnies

I came across this link to the "25 Most Unromantic Album Covers" on the Houston Press website.  Hopefully, your Valentine's Day didn't look like this!

Valentine's Day: It's Not About the Sex, Is It?

Is there anything more phallic than Cupid's bow?  Any holiday symbol that looks more like a woman's tush when she's bent over?  I don't know about you, but I think Valentine's Day is all about the sex.

I had a little snicker just now, too, when I looked up the history of Valentine's Day in that most dependable source of information, Wikipedia (not!).  The article says that Valentine's Day came to be during Chaucer's times of "courtly love."

Well, having started my education with a B.A. in English, I can tell you that Chaucer is bawdy, and not "courtly" at all!  Chaucer was all about the sex.  I guess that's why, back in the day, we weren't given Chaucer to read until college.

So if your partner brings you champagne and roses, or a card and chocolates, or a bottle of lubricant and a toy, and then wants sex, for goodness' sake, don't be insulted. 

Let good old Cupid pierce you, right in the...heart.

Fighting in Bed? Don't.

Several months ago Hank and Paula came to see me with an all too common problem:  their sex life had fizzled, in part because the man had developed erectile dysfunction.  They were in their 30s, and though they were only married a few years, they had lived about half their marriage without any sex at all.

Hank's eyes welled up with tears as he told about the fights he and Paula had had about feelings of jealousy and insecurities. 

"Neither of us feel loved," he explained.  "We would have fights in bed almost every night, yelling at each other about how we weren't getting our needs met in this relationship."

"Whoa, back up," I said.  "Did you say you have long fights in bed?"

Hank and Paula both looked puzzled, but they nodded their heads up and down.

"Do you see the connection?  When you fight in bed

Erotic Valentine's Day Ideas

Cory Silverberg, a sex educator and colleague who writes the About: Sexuality blog, has come up with a list of homemade, heartfelt, and sexy Valentine's Day gifts.  I especially liked the idea of writing your own sex manual.  Being sometimes pragmatic myself, I thought, hmm, that's both practical and fun.