The Blog Erotic at The Buehler Institute

Men! Want to Make Sex Better? "Take Out the Garbage!" Says Researcher

In this Toronto Sun article, Robin Milhausen, an assistant professor at the University of Ottawa, tells it as she sees it.  Men, she reports, ask her how to make sex with a woman "astronomical."  Her response?  "Take out the trash."

It’s a fact borne out by research.  Men who help around the house do report having more sex.  Of course, causation does not prove causality, but it does seem to comport with what female clients tell me.  Those whose partners help little around the house, or just with tasks of living (making an appointment to get those tires rotated or get the kids to the dentist, for example) are more likely to complain of a lack of desire. 

And it isn’t just related to fatigue, although that’s part of it.  Women whose partners help around the house tend to feel that they are part of a team, working to make a life together.  It makes some women feel cozy knowing that their partner has taken an interest in making home a good place to be from an emotional standpoint, and that coziness translates into intimacy.

But to be honest, for some couples, it probably doesn’t make much difference.  Not all women care that much about things domestic (like my husband’s cousin who famously turned her kitchen into a breezeway and declared a war on cooking), and sometimes they are married to men who don’t care that much, either. 

Still, if you’re a man without much luck between the sheets, you might try folding them once in awhile.

It’ll Take More than Lotion to Solve Couples’ Sex Problem

Every once in awhile, someone in my office at The Buehler Institute will tell me what they’ve done to get their sex life on track with their partner.  Things like:

• Renting some pornography
• Going on vacation somewhere exotic
• Doing something to make themselves more attractive (including plastic surgery)
• Taking herbs to increase their own libido
• Buying a book on tantric sex
• Purchasing a new, more slippery lubricant
• Trying a new massage oil or lotion

And although your opinion may differ on some of these tactics, they do have the potential to work.  But they won’t work if your partner:

• Is simmering mad at you over something you did but have (perhaps conveniently) forgotten
• Feels overtired--and overloaded--with life stressors
• Lost a close relative (up to a year ago)
• Fears losing their job due to the recession
• Has a hormonal imbalance or medical symptoms that are causing discomfort and fatigue

 You’re only human.  It’s easy to get caught up in your own ego, in your own inner struggles, wants, and needs.  Still, it is fascinating to see how often one partner is dealing with a genuine life stressor, and the other is oblivious to it,  or minimizes the effect it is having on their partner’s life. 

Yes, it would be nice to be able to rub away all the troubles with a new lotion so that things can go on as they were.  But circumstances change, and people change with them. 

That’s why, if there is a change in your sex life, you need to talk—not fight—about it.  And be patient.  Your partner might need time to pinpoint why their interest in sex has diminished.

Sexual Misunderstandings: A Guide to Better Sexual Communication

It was Bob & Carol's anniversary.  He had too much to drink, and she ate something that turned her stomach.  Still, they had sex--very unsatisfying, stop-and-start, unromantic sex.  In the morning, Carol was very cool to Bob, but he couldn't understand why.  "Hmph, I gave it my all!  And isn't sex in a hotel just what Carol wanted for our anniversary?"

Carol, meanwhile, withdrew more over the following week.  She felt hurt and sad over what was supposed to be a night of passion.  And now, Bob was pulling away.  Hadn't she given him what he wanted for their anniversary?

A year goes by.  Bob & Carol had never had a great sex life--they were both busy with their careers, both often stressed and tired--but now things had really gotten sour.  If they had sex, it was a surprise to both of them--and not in a good way.  Their encounters just left them more confused.

And now, their anniversary was coming around again.  Do you suppose that Bob & Carol (a) talked about what happened last year, forgave each other, and moved on to a richer and more passionate sex life, or (b) avoided the problem altogether, only to repeat the drunk & nauseous scenario of the previous year?

If you guessed (b), you are a wise reader.  You are able to see that Bob & Carol are suffering from a sexual misunderstanding.  Truly, Bob & Carol love one another and can't see themselves with another partner.  But when it comes to sex, there's never a word about expectations, wants, or needs.  And so, when things go wrong, each either blames each other or blames it on themselves.  Their sex life comes to a standstill.

Bob & Carol need better communication about sex.  Here's what they can do:

1. Figure out what you want.  Each of you needs to reflect about what you want your sex life together look like at this point in time.  Does Carol need Bob to be more sober when they make love?  Does Bob need Carol to be clearer about when she does and doesn't really want to have sex?
2. Think about what you're going to say and how you're going to say it.  If you need your partner to brush their teeth before sex, think about how to say it nicely.  If you need more oral sex, think about how you're going to ask for that. 
3. Set aside a time to talk about sex.  If you were going to buy a purebred dog (although my taste runs to adopted greyhounds), you would sit down on a Saturday morning and talk about it, wouldn't you?  So why not set aside time

Coitocentricity: When All Sex Leads to Intercourse

Northwestern Professor Gregory Ward teaches a class in Sex & Language at Northwestern University, where he has coined the term "coitocentric," as described in this Northwestern U online article by Sally Slater.  Root word = coitus, centric = centered.  Yep, he's right--as a culture, we tend to be overly focused on intercourse.  Most of the time, when we use the words "having sex," we really mean a man having intercourse with a woman.

He also notes that straight men and women and gay men think of "having sex" as "penetrative," while lesbian women think of any genital contact as "having sex." 

This isn't really a po-tay-to / po-tah-to issue.  It goes further than that.  What the article doesn't say is that one of the reasons someone may say "We had sex," instead of "We had intercourse," or whatever, is to keep the activity private.  It also serves to minimize the activity if someone colors outside the lines (remember Carry talking about Big in "Sex & the City"?) and doesn't want to admit that they, uh, scribbled. 

Okay, sorry to use a euphemism.  That they had oral, manual, or anal sex. 

You'd be surprised how many people still find anything but intercourse disturbing.  And, how many people feel that if their partner gets off, but they don't, that sex has been a big, fat waste of time.  They complain that their partner is "gross," or that they are being exploited or disrespected if their partner wants a little help having an orgasm.  It's as if saying, "I'm tired," means, "No, no, a thousand times no," and not just, "I'm tired, but if you need an orgasm, let me know, I'll help you out."

And surprised, too, at how many people, women in particular, who feel that the only sex worth having is intercourse.  Which creates a big, fat problem when their partner is stressed, tired, or whatever and can't have an erection, because then their partner cannot please them in any other way.  That leaves the partner feeling useless.

Now, I must admit, I've been, as Prof. Ward would say, "heteronormative," that is, writing about sex as if only heterosexual sex is normal.  That's because I am straight and I live in a very straight world.  I'm very comfortable talking about gay sex, but I've learned that most of my readers are straight--probably because I do tend to be heteronormative.  Even though I often use the word "partner" instead of "husband" or "wife," I still end up sounding straight.

That's not necessarily a bad thing.  It just suggests that we may all want to give a little thought to the way in which we use language to talk about sex and to limit its expression.

Actually, what I think is really funny is how professorial the word "coitocentric" is.  Only a linguist would think up a word like that to describe bumping fuzzies.

Passion, Romance, Or "Just Friends": What Kind of Couple Is Happiest?

I'll spare you the suspense--the winner is, the romantic couple in the long-term.  But what the heck is the diff between a passionate couple, a romantic couple, and a couple that are "just friends"?  After all, all couples need to be friends.  But a couple that has no passion will be unhappy.  And not everyone appreciates romance.

A pair of researchers state in Science Digest today that passionate couples are less likely to be happy in the long run because they often have conflict and are "obsessive," which isn't exactly healthy, and can't be sustained.  But it's okay, I think, to be a little "nuts" about your partner, don't you? 

Anyway, as I stated on The Buehler Institute blog, I think what people want from a relationship is to experience, at least at times, the passion that they once experienced.  And I don't think that's too much to ask.  It is surprising to me that the researchers don't make a connection that a romantic couple is more likely to have passionate sex.

Hmm, could it be the definitions that are a bit off-kilter?  Sometimes in research, the variables are not as well defined as they could be.  I think "romantic" and "passionate" are terms that are frequently interchangeable.  Romance can lead to passion, and passion, to romance.

The idea that passionate couples burnout, however, isn't new.  Passionate couples really are often conflictual; the fear that their partner could become unavailable keeps each partner off balance. 

12 Big Sex Mistakes that Women Should Avoid

Just like men, women make some bedroom blunders, too, when it comes to sex.  In fact, women are sometimes worse culprits when it comes to buying into sexual myths like, "Men are like a lightswitch, they are either 'on' or 'off' when it comes to their drive."  So let's start with that myth and move on from there.

1. Men can get turned on just with a breeze blowing by.

  Maybe that's true if the guy's 22, but beyond that, men definitely have times when they need more than a breeze to find sex appealing. 

A little demonstration from their female partner can be very encouraging...and sexy.

Expecting a man to know what turns you on.  Why should a man know your body better than you do?  Let your partner know what you like.  Better still, show him.

Not reciprocating during lovemaking.  Some women really do just lie there and expect the male partner to do all the "work."  Men love to be made love to, so don't overlook your opportunity to please your partner.

Thinking sex is "messy."  Well, so is making a salad, when you think about it!  The odors and fluids that go along with sex are suppposed to be sensual, not gross.  Start thinking about them that way and sex will be a lot less gross to you.

Certain positions are "unladylike."  I've had women explain that having sex "doggy style" is too animalistic for their tastes, or that being on top is too

Dirty Dozen: 12 Big Sex Mistakes Every Man Should Avoid

When your job is to listen to people's sexual difficulties, you start to pick up on certain patterns.  One of those patterns are the mistakes that many men make when it comes to understanding not only a woman's sexuality, but their own.  Curious?  Let me save you some trouble and just tell you straight out what these mistakes are.

1. Going for the "golden triangle" without any foreplay.  Nipple, nipple, genitals--that's what one client called her "golden triangle."  She didn't see her body that way, she felt her partner did because he was attracted to her erogenous zones the moment they got into bed.  Now, there are some women who are okay with that, but most prefer a warm up.  A warm up helps a woman to relax and prepares her for more erotic touch.
2. Expecting a woman to lubricate the same way, in the same quantity, every time you have sex.  Some men take it very personally when they make love to their partner and her vagina is still rather dry.  A man can go so far as to believe his partner is rejecting him.  But lots of things can hamper lubrication: hormones, stress, the time of month.  So stop worrying, and keep a bottle of lube by the bed.
3. A hard penis means that you are aroused.  No, it doesn't.  That's why some men have difficulty having an orgasm.  Just because you are hard, means that your penis was stimulated.  If you want to be aroused, tell your partner what kind of touch you need and where in order to get turned on, stay hard, and have a better orgasm.
4. Contraception is a woman's responsibility.  This is an old story, but of course men still find themselves in situations with an unwanted pregnancy.  Never assume a woman is using contraception, or that her contraception is reliable.  The same goes for protection from STDs.
5. All women lose interest in sex.  Hey, men lose interest, too, if things get stale.  The way to keep a woman interested in sex is to learn what she likes--and remember it.
6. Going on and on and on and on.  It's a myth that lasting a long time makes for good sex.  Lasting long enough to make sex feel good is more important.  A lot of women whose partners last 15 or 20 or 30 minutes complain that they start getting bored.
7. Someone in the room has to have an erection for sex to take place.  That just puts undue pressure on yourself to perform.  If you are tired or stressed and just can't become erect, but your partner wants sex,

10 Keys to Staying Sexually Connected If You Are Chronically Ill

I originally became a sex therapist when I worked with an endocrinologist--a physician that specializes in hormonal imbalances and diseases--and treated people with all kinds of chronic illnesses.  I also did some of my training with teens and children with cancer.  So it is natural that I have an interest in chronic illnesses and sexuality.  This past weekend I spoke on behalf on the Women's Sexual Health Foundation and Columbia University on that topic, and I thought I'd pass along some tips to you.

1. Just because you are ill doesn't mean that you stop being a sexual person. 
2. Because you are ill, however, your sex life may look different than it once did.  Accept it for what it is and make the best of it.
3. Count activities other than intercourse as "sex."  Holding hands, massage, self-stimulation with or without your partner's help, can all count as sexual activity.
4. Make sure your medications, like antidepressants and antihypertensives, aren't interfering with your sexual function.
5. Conserve your energy for sex.  Take an afternoon nap so you have energy for your partner in the evening, or change the time of day that you are sexual together.
6. You may have changes in desire, but just because you don't feel worked up to have sex doesn't mean that there aren't good reasons to go ahead:  Wanting to feel close to your partner, wanting to be touched, needing to experience an orgasm, etc.
7. Introduce sex toys if it is taking longer for you to have a climax.  It will make sex seem less like work.  Neither you nor your partner should be threatened by the presence of a toy.
8. Use lubricant.  Sometimes medications and stress can make a woman feel dry.  Don't take it personally, like it means you aren't a good lover or aren't enjoying touch.  Just use lube routinely and enjoy.
9. Optimize the health you have.  Talk to your doctor about what you can do to keep up your energy and flexibility with exercise and diet.
10. Don't buy into the myth that if you are sick, it's "game over" time in the bedroom.  Maybe you'll need to go slowly, or switch roles, or have sex less frequently, but that doesn't mean you should stop altogether.

If you have any suggestions that have helped you, or that you have offered to others because you are a healtcare provider, please post them in the comments session.

When Life Throws Curveballs: Sexuality and Chronic Illness

Tomorrow I'll be speaking at a conference held by the Women's Sexual Health Foundation on the topic of chronic illness and sexuality.  Not a terribly sexy topic, huh?  But with approximately 16 million Americans diagnosed with a chronic illness every year, it's an important one.  Sadly, people who are ill often become "gingerbread people," sexless beings who put the enjoyment of intimacy behind them.

But that need not be true.  Just because you have a chronic illness doesn't mean that you have to stop making love.  It's just that you need to accept that your sexuality may be quite different than it once was. 

Chronic illness affects men and women in various ways.  It can affect sexual function, as with multiple sclerosis, or it can affect mood and energy levels, as with fibromyalgia.  The medicines you take can also affect your desire, arousal, and ability to have orgasm, or the same intensity of orgasm as before.

Masters & Johnson famously said, "Sex is more than body parts and friction," and keeping this in mind is important when considering chronic illness and sexuality.  Sex is about intimacy, love, and caring, as well as the physical sensations.  If you have a chronic illness, your sex life today may look very different than it once did, but that makes it no less valid or special. 

For example, your sex life may now include more massage, more warm baths or hot tubbing together, and more cuddling and holding hands.  These activities may be a prelude to lovemaking, or they may be counted as "sex." 

You may also find that you need to introduce sex toys to create more intense sensation, or add a lubricant to counteract the drying effect of some illnesses and medications.  You may also find that you need to do more planning than in the past.  But as I often point out to my clients, just as having concert tickets doesn't make watching a performer any less exciting, so planning for sex doesn't have to make it less enjoyable.

Because the conference is being given in conjunction with Columbia University, my powerpoint and lecture will soon be posted on their website.  If you subscribe to the RSS feed, you'll be alerted as to when that occurs.

Remember, you are a sexual being, no matter what shape your body is in.  Taking good care of yourself so that you can optimize your quality of life includes staying sexually active.

Passion: Making Love Like You Mean It

When couples who have been married or committed for a long time think about passionate sex, they generally are referring back to the earliest moments of intimacy in their relationship.  They don’t know why sex felt better then, they just know why that it doesn’t feel as good any more.  (Except maybe when they have “vacation sex.”)

 

What was it about that initial lovemaking that made it so…passionate? 

 

Sad but true, after awhile, reality set in.  Your lover’s body was, well, a body.  After you’ve seen and felt it enough, it’s not longer new.  You got close—sometimes, too close.  In fact, enough with the closeness already!  Laundry piled up and work really couldn’t wait.  And how could you possibly be playful when you’re an adult, with responsibilities and things?

 

How do you get it back?

 

Today, my colleague Ron Frederick, PhD is launching his book, Living Like You Mean It.  If you purchase his book from Amazon or Barnes & Noble, you can get a bunch of really cool bonuses from a bunch of really cool people.  (Ooops, I’m one of those people, which I guess means I think I’m really cool!  Well, for a 50+ white mom married for 23 years, yeah, I think I am!)  Anyway, Ron interviewed me on the topic of passion, but you can only access the recording if you buy a copy of his book.  Ron and I had fun making the recording, I guess you could say it’s because I’m passionate about helping people have passionate sex.