Elizabeth Edwards: Why Did John Edwards Have an Affair?

I don't know, and apparently, neither does he.

Unless you've been brain dead for the last 24 hours, you've likely heard that Elizabeth Edwards has published a book (read the TIME excerpt here) about resilience and springing back after adversity.  Elizabeth Edwards should know:  she and John lost a child; she has fought breast cancer; and now, she has experienced the effects of infidelity.

The big question, of course, is why did John Edwards do it?  Amazingly, he has no answer for Elizabeth.  Even more amazingly, they seem to have had little or no discussion about it, other than agreeing that it was "that woman" who caused all the problems.  (Sirens, you have found your leader in Rielle Hunter!)

None of us can ever know why anybody does anything; we can only guess.  And for psychologists, ethically we are not permitted to diagnose public figures.  We can only be circumspect and talk about problems in general.  (So the next time you hear a media psychologist talk about someone as if they have given them a diagnosis, you'll know that they are stepping outside of ethical boundaries.)

So why does any man (I'm going to focus on men today, I'll talk about women another time), public or private, have an affair?  I can share some of what I have observed:

• To escape a stressful situation, which may or may not be the marriage
• To experience companionship that is missing from a relationship
• To do something naughty or dirty--for a thrill
• To have sexual release
• To keep a marriage intact, usually for children, while getting unmet sexual needs taken care of elsewhere
• To soothe himself, because he is depressed
• To prove that he's still in the game, still sexy, still "got it"
• To act out a compulsion, that is, to have sex more frequently because he feels he must in a way he has trouble explaining
• To seek revenge on a partner he is angry at, but can't express it

Now, I know among my sexologist brethren (and sistren?) that there are those who minimize the effects of affairs on marriage.  It's almost a given, goes the reasoning, so why are we all surprised?  Get over it!

I disagree.  The effects of a discovered affair reverberate not only in a marriage, but across generations.  I can't begin to count how many folks have told me how hurt they were when one parent cheated on another, and sometimes that pain even drizzles down to grandchildren if the infidelity was public or had a flavor of incest (e.g., occurred between a husband and his sister-in-law).  And then affairs can have an effect on a community, as when a pastor cheats with a congregant. 

Another argument goes that "affairs are never about sex."  Really?  As you can see from my list, an affair can most definitely be about sex.  An affair is often about chafing in the sexual constraints of a monogamous marriage, where communication about sex (and the topic of monogamy itself) is rare.  It is about not getting sexual needs met and sometimes--out of desperation--a man goes outside his marriage.

Unfair?  Yes.  Wrong?  Yes, I think so.  An affair is a stupid fix to a bad problem.  It's like fixing a problem with another problem.  It's like using PVC pipe when copper is called for.  (Recently, a man asked me--earnestly--if I had any advice before he commenced an affair with a married woman. "Check to see how big he is, and see if he has a gun," I quipped.)

Why don't men see that?  It's hard to say.  The mind isn't all that good at rational decision making when one is under duress.  And clearly, Edwards was under duress:  wife with cancer, campaign to run, and whatever else might have been going on in his life.  Men sometimes do bad things when they are depressed, too, like drink or become irritable and nasty.  

But an affair isn't the answer.  Next post:  Answers.

Comments

[erotizm]

affair with a married woman. "Check to see how big he is, and see if he has a gun," I quipped.)

Why don't men see that? It's hard to sa