The Blog Erotic at The Buehler Institute

No Fireworks? 5 Steps to Revive a Boring Sex Life

Fireworks enchant us.  They suggest fantasy and fun with fleeting moments of intense spark.  That's why sex and fireworks are so often compared.  But admit it, your sex life may have fizzled like an aerial display above a gloomy harbor.

What is always the first step to changing things up?  That's right, admit there's a problem.  Look, there's no sense in either of you feeling obliged to have boring sex, then rolling over to stare at the ceiling only to ask yourself, "What was that?"

Next step?  Admit your boredom.  Yep, take a risk.  Let your partner know that you've gotten bored.  Don't blame your partner for your boredom because you'll really cause hurt feelings.  Best to have the conversation outside the bedroom instead of right after that wimpy or nonexistent climax.

Third step?  Take responsibility.  Talk to your partner about the fact that you haven't added anything to the fireworks cache, either.  Let your partner know that you're also open to suggestions.  Besides, it may even be more feedback that is missing for you.

Fourth:  Figure out the core of the problem.  Do you need more of a warm-up before you even get down to foreplay?  More oral sex?  Want your neck licked?  Or maybe you need a different environment, different music, a massage...

Fifth:  Experiment, and keep experimenting.  As Carrie suggested in the "Sex and the City" flick, you've got to color outside the lines.

Passionate Sex: 3 Keys to Sexual Excitement

"I want to feel wanted," is a refrain I often hear from clients who are in the throes of a relationship meltdown.  And what makes someone feel more wanted than having someone they cherish make passionate love to them?  Unfortunately, all too often, passion fades and partners are left feeling hollow and lonely.

There are many ways to increase feelings of passion in the bedroom, but 3 of the most important keys to passionate sex include:

1. Be authentic with your lovemaking.  It doesn't help to read a sex manual and then try out the latest oral sex move.  What creates more passionate sex is to touch and caress your partner in a way that expresses your loving feelings.  What does that look like?  Only you know.  Your style of expression is as unique as a fingerprint.  Let go of your inhibitions and get into the art of lovemaking.
2. Be adventurous and playful.  Making love is adult play.  Sex is a way to try out new ideas and behaviors--to be creative!  When you are playful, you are bound to do new things, to excite your partner.  Doing things that are new is shown by science to perk up the brain's interest.  Interest and curiosity generate passion.  Don't be so predictable.
3. Be open.  Give your partner a chance to explore your body in their own way.  Too many people get annoyed too quickly if their partner isn't touching or licking them in exactly the right way.  Get it out of your head that there is a right way or wrong way, only that there are things that you like better or not so much.  Tolerate your partner's experiments.  If you can be open, you might feel a new sensation, something you've never or rarely felt before.  If you are uptight and push your partner's explorations away, you could miss that experience.

There is no reason, really, for sex to grow stale.  The best sex isn't necessarily sex with a stranger, but sex with someone who knows you.  It takes passion to stay in a relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.

10 Top Reasons to Use a Vibrator (Even If You're Married)

More than half of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator as part of their sex play, according to a blog post by sex educator Cory Silverberg.  That's compared to only 1% of people way back in the 70's (but I'm guessing most people lied, using a vibrator back then would have been considered completely embarrassing, worse than having a bra strap show).

What is it about vibrators that make them so much fun?  Well, everyone has a different reason for using them.  It is interesting to note that a lot of couples that I see in my practice don't use vibrators, even though many fit the most common demographic according to Xandria (white, Christian, Republican women).  I find that many people fear that a vibrator will replace intimacy in the bedroom, but that's just not true.

If you're in the group that has never used a vibrator, or if you need some inspiration to dust off the one hidden in your bedroom drawer, here is some inspiration in my top 10 list:

1. Vibrators feel good.  Vibrators tickle the nerves and build great tension in the genitals, which feels fantastic when it is released.
2. They are efficient.  If a woman (or man, for that matter) feels a little too tired but still wants to have pleasure, a vibrator can help get the job done without much effort.
3. They help a woman understand her body.  Stimulation with a vibrator can help a woman figure out just how much stimulation and where she needs it to have a good orgasm.  Check out this little finger model by Trojan.
4. Different types can help someone explore all sorts of orgasm.  There are vibrators for clitoral, G-spot, and anal play.
5. Vibrators are fun.  They come in literally all different colors, shapes, and sizes.
6. Vibrators can help a man explore his genitals, too. 

Would You Rather Be Having Sex than Blogging About It?

Yes, I took a hiatus from blogging about sex last week.  Look, I'm a psychologist, and we don't disclose a lot that's personal about ourselves, because when a client is in the office, it's all about you.  But I can tell you that it can definitely be more fun to have sex than to blog about it!  And, just as I preach, sometimes putting work aside for pleasure is a very good idea.

But now I'm back, feeling rather, well, refreshed.  And what did I find to share with you?  How about a TresSugar article stating that 8 out 10 Brits would rather sleep than have sex?

Sad, but true. 

What does that say about the quality of most people's sex lives?  They're pretty poor, I'd imagine.  Sex is a thrill, a giggle, but this statistic suggests that it's a bore not worth more than a snore.

To zzzzzzzzz or not to zzzzzzzzzz, that is the question!

I could go with the idea that maybe you get your zzzzzzzzzzz's and then have sex in the morning.  That I get.

(And if dare count to see if I am using the same number of z's  [or, as the Brits say, zeds] in each instance, I swear to guacamole, I'm going to reach out of the screen and pinch your nose.)

But being so exhausted night after night after night?  Isn't that just an excuse?  I mean, the dishes will still be in the sink, the dust bunnies asleep under the bed, the plants still half dead from lack of water, when you wake up in the morning, right?  So why not put aside a few tasks and have sex instead? 

Really, it's okay.  Go on, give yourself permission to have sex instead of doing that extra load of laundry or making next day's lunch.

You might end up with more energy and do all of those tasks with more ease the next day.  Try it, you really might end up surprised.