Can you imagine a couple living together for 20 years or more but never talking about a single meal they ate, even though they sat at the table every day? What if major purchases were never discussed, if cars and refrigerators and swimming pools just showed up? What if the couple never talked about going on vacation but packed their bags to go, one just following the other?
For millions of couples, that's what it's like when it comes to their sex life. They have sex, but they never talk about it. Couples touch one another in the most intimate ways possible, then get up in the morning to eat breakfast without even a loving glance or a kiss to acknowledge their recent connection.
Perhaps there are couples out there who are so good at reading each other's nonverbal signals that they know what turns each other on without every saying a word. But that's unlikely. What often happens is that one or both partners are left wanting more and wishing their partner could read their mind. Partners feel let down, resentment rises, and sexual activity wanes.
Talking about sex is a critical part of an intimate relationship. Maybe it's unrealistic, though, to jump right in with a discussion of what would give you a better orgasm. So you can start with baby steps. How about asking your partner if they would like a kiss, and if so, where? Or ask your partner to kiss you and tell them how you want to be kissed--firmly, softly, or slowly?
Agree to have a "sex talk" on the sofa before you next make love. State three things that would turn you on and three things that turn you off. Then listen to your partner do the same. Agree to try one, two, or all three turn ons when you are next in bed together. Don't talk about what happened right after you have sex. Wait a day or two. Then sit down on the sofa again and share some observations about what worked and what didn't. Be gentle, you are talking to your best friend.
Can't get the words out? Agree to exchange old-fashioned mash notes to let each other know what's in and what's out. If you can get your courage up, you could read your sexy love notes to each other.
Talking about sex may be difficult, but it's a conversation that needs to happen if partners are going to stay excited about sex. If things aren't working, you can't just wish for them to change. Let your partner know it's time for the two of you to step up the intimacy and have a conversation about sex.