The Blog Erotic

No Fireworks? 5 Steps to Revive a Boring Sex Life

Fireworks enchant us.  They suggest fantasy and fun with fleeting moments of intense spark.  That's why sex and fireworks are so often compared.  But admit it, your sex life may have fizzled like an aerial display above a gloomy harbor.

What is always the first step to changing things up?  That's right, admit there's a problem.  Look, there's no sense in either of you feeling obliged to have boring sex, then rolling over to stare at the ceiling only to ask yourself, "What was that?"

Next step?  Admit your boredom.  Yep, take a risk.  Let your partner know that you've gotten bored.  Don't blame your partner for your boredom because you'll really cause hurt feelings.  Best to have the conversation outside the bedroom instead of right after that wimpy or nonexistent climax.

Third step?  Take responsibility.  Talk to your partner about the fact that you haven't added anything to the fireworks cache, either.  Let your partner know that you're also open to suggestions.  Besides, it may even be more feedback that is missing for you.

Fourth:  Figure out the core of the problem.  Do you need more of a warm-up before you even get down to foreplay?  More oral sex?  Want your neck licked?  Or maybe you need a different environment, different music, a massage...

Fifth:  Experiment, and keep experimenting.  As Carrie suggested in the "Sex and the City" flick, you've got to color outside the lines.

Passionate Sex: 3 Keys to Sexual Excitement

"I want to feel wanted," is a refrain I often hear from clients who are in the throes of a relationship meltdown.  And what makes someone feel more wanted than having someone they cherish make passionate love to them?  Unfortunately, all too often, passion fades and partners are left feeling hollow and lonely.

There are many ways to increase feelings of passion in the bedroom, but 3 of the most important keys to passionate sex include:

1. Be authentic with your lovemaking.  It doesn't help to read a sex manual and then try out the latest oral sex move.  What creates more passionate sex is to touch and caress your partner in a way that expresses your loving feelings.  What does that look like?  Only you know.  Your style of expression is as unique as a fingerprint.  Let go of your inhibitions and get into the art of lovemaking.
2. Be adventurous and playful.  Making love is adult play.  Sex is a way to try out new ideas and behaviors--to be creative!  When you are playful, you are bound to do new things, to excite your partner.  Doing things that are new is shown by science to perk up the brain's interest.  Interest and curiosity generate passion.  Don't be so predictable.
3. Be open.  Give your partner a chance to explore your body in their own way.  Too many people get annoyed too quickly if their partner isn't touching or licking them in exactly the right way.  Get it out of your head that there is a right way or wrong way, only that there are things that you like better or not so much.  Tolerate your partner's experiments.  If you can be open, you might feel a new sensation, something you've never or rarely felt before.  If you are uptight and push your partner's explorations away, you could miss that experience.

There is no reason, really, for sex to grow stale.  The best sex isn't necessarily sex with a stranger, but sex with someone who knows you.  It takes passion to stay in a relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.

10 Top Reasons to Use a Vibrator (Even If You're Married)

More than half of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator as part of their sex play, according to a blog post by sex educator Cory Silverberg.  That's compared to only 1% of people way back in the 70's (but I'm guessing most people lied, using a vibrator back then would have been considered completely embarrassing, worse than having a bra strap show).

What is it about vibrators that make them so much fun?  Well, everyone has a different reason for using them.  It is interesting to note that a lot of couples that I see in my practice don't use vibrators, even though many fit the most common demographic according to Xandria (white, Christian, Republican women).  I find that many people fear that a vibrator will replace intimacy in the bedroom, but that's just not true.

If you're in the group that has never used a vibrator, or if you need some inspiration to dust off the one hidden in your bedroom drawer, here is some inspiration in my top 10 list:

1. Vibrators feel good.  Vibrators tickle the nerves and build great tension in the genitals, which feels fantastic when it is released.
2. They are efficient.  If a woman (or man, for that matter) feels a little too tired but still wants to have pleasure, a vibrator can help get the job done without much effort.
3. They help a woman understand her body.  Stimulation with a vibrator can help a woman figure out just how much stimulation and where she needs it to have a good orgasm.  Check out this little finger model by Trojan.
4. Different types can help someone explore all sorts of orgasm.  There are vibrators for clitoral, G-spot, and anal play.
5. Vibrators are fun.  They come in literally all different colors, shapes, and sizes.
6. Vibrators can help a man explore his genitals, too. 

Would You Rather Be Having Sex than Blogging About It?

Yes, I took a hiatus from blogging about sex last week.  Look, I'm a psychologist, and we don't disclose a lot that's personal about ourselves, because when a client is in the office, it's all about you.  But I can tell you that it can definitely be more fun to have sex than to blog about it!  And, just as I preach, sometimes putting work aside for pleasure is a very good idea.

But now I'm back, feeling rather, well, refreshed.  And what did I find to share with you?  How about a TresSugar article stating that 8 out 10 Brits would rather sleep than have sex?

Sad, but true. 

What does that say about the quality of most people's sex lives?  They're pretty poor, I'd imagine.  Sex is a thrill, a giggle, but this statistic suggests that it's a bore not worth more than a snore.

To zzzzzzzzz or not to zzzzzzzzzz, that is the question!

I could go with the idea that maybe you get your zzzzzzzzzzz's and then have sex in the morning.  That I get.

(And if dare count to see if I am using the same number of z's  [or, as the Brits say, zeds] in each instance, I swear to guacamole, I'm going to reach out of the screen and pinch your nose.)

But being so exhausted night after night after night?  Isn't that just an excuse?  I mean, the dishes will still be in the sink, the dust bunnies asleep under the bed, the plants still half dead from lack of water, when you wake up in the morning, right?  So why not put aside a few tasks and have sex instead? 

Really, it's okay.  Go on, give yourself permission to have sex instead of doing that extra load of laundry or making next day's lunch.

You might end up with more energy and do all of those tasks with more ease the next day.  Try it, you really might end up surprised.   

How to Start Having Sexual Pleasure and Stop Worrying about What's Normal

I came across a good article at EmpowerHer by colleague Marty Klein, a marriage and family therapist, on what's normal when it comes to sex.  The section that most interested me was on performance anxiety, a very common but not especially normal problem in America's bedrooms.

When it comes to sex, performance anxiety is a real paradox.  The more anxious you are about making the right moves to please your partner in bed, the less likely you are to do it.  Not that you shouldn't try, but you need to approach pleasure with pleasure, not with fear and trepidation. 

That fear is often about rejection.  You may feel that one false move--a lick of the wrong part of the ear, a too loud slurp at your partner's privates--and you're going to be banished from the boudoir.  Or show up with the wrong equipment--breasts that are too small, thighs that are too dimpled, a penis that curves--and you might as well call it quits.

Those fears come, in part, from social pressures to be perfect.  Look at Susan Boyle--as soon as she was seen to have talent, she had to have the casings to go with it.  Or look at television:  kisses as choreographed as a Cirque du Soleil performance. 

Even medicine gets in on the act, with something I saw referred to in a medical journal as the "sexual performance perfection industry."  It isn't good enough to have a semi-decent erection--it needs to be hard, from medicine.  It isn't good enough to use natural lubrication--it has to be warming or tingling lubrication bought off the shelf. 

It's perfectly okay to show up and be yourself in bed.  And it's perfectly okay to ask your partner to accept you as you are.  Of course, you can be open to feedback on your technique, and you should ask your partner to listen to you, as well.  But learning to make love better with your partner is a lot different than learning to make love perfectly.  It isn't necessary.  It's better to be real.  Really.

Men! Want to Make Sex Better? "Take Out the Garbage!" Says Researcher

In this Toronto Sun article, Robin Milhausen, an assistant professor at the University of Ottawa, tells it as she sees it.  Men, she reports, ask her how to make sex with a woman "astronomical."  Her response?  "Take out the trash."

It’s a fact borne out by research.  Men who help around the house do report having more sex.  Of course, causation does not prove causality, but it does seem to comport with what female clients tell me.  Those whose partners help little around the house, or just with tasks of living (making an appointment to get those tires rotated or get the kids to the dentist, for example) are more likely to complain of a lack of desire. 

And it isn’t just related to fatigue, although that’s part of it.  Women whose partners help around the house tend to feel that they are part of a team, working to make a life together.  It makes some women feel cozy knowing that their partner has taken an interest in making home a good place to be from an emotional standpoint, and that coziness translates into intimacy.

But to be honest, for some couples, it probably doesn’t make much difference.  Not all women care that much about things domestic (like my husband’s cousin who famously turned her kitchen into a breezeway and declared a war on cooking), and sometimes they are married to men who don’t care that much, either. 

Still, if you’re a man without much luck between the sheets, you might try folding them once in awhile.

Passion, Romance, Or "Just Friends": What Kind of Couple Is Happiest?

I'll spare you the suspense--the winner is, the romantic couple in the long-term.  But what the heck is the diff between a passionate couple, a romantic couple, and a couple that are "just friends"?  After all, all couples need to be friends.  But a couple that has no passion will be unhappy.  And not everyone appreciates romance.

A pair of researchers state in Science Digest today that passionate couples are less likely to be happy in the long run because they often have conflict and are "obsessive," which isn't exactly healthy, and can't be sustained.  But it's okay, I think, to be a little "nuts" about your partner, don't you? 

Anyway, as I stated on The Buehler Institute blog, I think what people want from a relationship is to experience, at least at times, the passion that they once experienced.  And I don't think that's too much to ask.  It is surprising to me that the researchers don't make a connection that a romantic couple is more likely to have passionate sex.

Hmm, could it be the definitions that are a bit off-kilter?  Sometimes in research, the variables are not as well defined as they could be.  I think "romantic" and "passionate" are terms that are frequently interchangeable.  Romance can lead to passion, and passion, to romance.

The idea that passionate couples burnout, however, isn't new.  Passionate couples really are often conflictual; the fear that their partner could become unavailable keeps each partner off balance. 

12 Big Sex Mistakes that Women Should Avoid

Just like men, women make some bedroom blunders, too, when it comes to sex.  In fact, women are sometimes worse culprits when it comes to buying into sexual myths like, "Men are like a lightswitch, they are either 'on' or 'off' when it comes to their drive."  So let's start with that myth and move on from there.

1. Men can get turned on just with a breeze blowing by.

  Maybe that's true if the guy's 22, but beyond that, men definitely have times when they need more than a breeze to find sex appealing. 

A little demonstration from their female partner can be very encouraging...and sexy.

Expecting a man to know what turns you on.  Why should a man know your body better than you do?  Let your partner know what you like.  Better still, show him.

Not reciprocating during lovemaking.  Some women really do just lie there and expect the male partner to do all the "work."  Men love to be made love to, so don't overlook your opportunity to please your partner.

Thinking sex is "messy."  Well, so is making a salad, when you think about it!  The odors and fluids that go along with sex are suppposed to be sensual, not gross.  Start thinking about them that way and sex will be a lot less gross to you.

Certain positions are "unladylike."  I've had women explain that having sex "doggy style" is too animalistic for their tastes, or that being on top is too

10 Keys to Staying Sexually Connected If You Are Chronically Ill

I originally became a sex therapist when I worked with an endocrinologist--a physician that specializes in hormonal imbalances and diseases--and treated people with all kinds of chronic illnesses.  I also did some of my training with teens and children with cancer.  So it is natural that I have an interest in chronic illnesses and sexuality.  This past weekend I spoke on behalf on the Women's Sexual Health Foundation and Columbia University on that topic, and I thought I'd pass along some tips to you.

1. Just because you are ill doesn't mean that you stop being a sexual person. 
2. Because you are ill, however, your sex life may look different than it once did.  Accept it for what it is and make the best of it.
3. Count activities other than intercourse as "sex."  Holding hands, massage, self-stimulation with or without your partner's help, can all count as sexual activity.
4. Make sure your medications, like antidepressants and antihypertensives, aren't interfering with your sexual function.
5. Conserve your energy for sex.  Take an afternoon nap so you have energy for your partner in the evening, or change the time of day that you are sexual together.
6. You may have changes in desire, but just because you don't feel worked up to have sex doesn't mean that there aren't good reasons to go ahead:  Wanting to feel close to your partner, wanting to be touched, needing to experience an orgasm, etc.
7. Introduce sex toys if it is taking longer for you to have a climax.  It will make sex seem less like work.  Neither you nor your partner should be threatened by the presence of a toy.
8. Use lubricant.  Sometimes medications and stress can make a woman feel dry.  Don't take it personally, like it means you aren't a good lover or aren't enjoying touch.  Just use lube routinely and enjoy.
9. Optimize the health you have.  Talk to your doctor about what you can do to keep up your energy and flexibility with exercise and diet.
10. Don't buy into the myth that if you are sick, it's "game over" time in the bedroom.  Maybe you'll need to go slowly, or switch roles, or have sex less frequently, but that doesn't mean you should stop altogether.

If you have any suggestions that have helped you, or that you have offered to others because you are a healtcare provider, please post them in the comments session.

When Life Throws Curveballs: Sexuality and Chronic Illness

Tomorrow I'll be speaking at a conference held by the Women's Sexual Health Foundation on the topic of chronic illness and sexuality.  Not a terribly sexy topic, huh?  But with approximately 16 million Americans diagnosed with a chronic illness every year, it's an important one.  Sadly, people who are ill often become "gingerbread people," sexless beings who put the enjoyment of intimacy behind them.

But that need not be true.  Just because you have a chronic illness doesn't mean that you have to stop making love.  It's just that you need to accept that your sexuality may be quite different than it once was. 

Chronic illness affects men and women in various ways.  It can affect sexual function, as with multiple sclerosis, or it can affect mood and energy levels, as with fibromyalgia.  The medicines you take can also affect your desire, arousal, and ability to have orgasm, or the same intensity of orgasm as before.

Masters & Johnson famously said, "Sex is more than body parts and friction," and keeping this in mind is important when considering chronic illness and sexuality.  Sex is about intimacy, love, and caring, as well as the physical sensations.  If you have a chronic illness, your sex life today may look very different than it once did, but that makes it no less valid or special. 

For example, your sex life may now include more massage, more warm baths or hot tubbing together, and more cuddling and holding hands.  These activities may be a prelude to lovemaking, or they may be counted as "sex." 

You may also find that you need to introduce sex toys to create more intense sensation, or add a lubricant to counteract the drying effect of some illnesses and medications.  You may also find that you need to do more planning than in the past.  But as I often point out to my clients, just as having concert tickets doesn't make watching a performer any less exciting, so planning for sex doesn't have to make it less enjoyable.

Because the conference is being given in conjunction with Columbia University, my powerpoint and lecture will soon be posted on their website.  If you subscribe to the RSS feed, you'll be alerted as to when that occurs.

Remember, you are a sexual being, no matter what shape your body is in.  Taking good care of yourself so that you can optimize your quality of life includes staying sexually active.