The Blog Erotic

10 Top Reasons to Use a Vibrator (Even If You're Married)

More than half of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator as part of their sex play, according to a blog post by sex educator Cory Silverberg.  That's compared to only 1% of people way back in the 70's (but I'm guessing most people lied, using a vibrator back then would have been considered completely embarrassing, worse than having a bra strap show).

What is it about vibrators that make them so much fun?  Well, everyone has a different reason for using them.  It is interesting to note that a lot of couples that I see in my practice don't use vibrators, even though many fit the most common demographic according to Xandria (white, Christian, Republican women).  I find that many people fear that a vibrator will replace intimacy in the bedroom, but that's just not true.

If you're in the group that has never used a vibrator, or if you need some inspiration to dust off the one hidden in your bedroom drawer, here is some inspiration in my top 10 list:

1. Vibrators feel good.  Vibrators tickle the nerves and build great tension in the genitals, which feels fantastic when it is released.
2. They are efficient.  If a woman (or man, for that matter) feels a little too tired but still wants to have pleasure, a vibrator can help get the job done without much effort.
3. They help a woman understand her body.  Stimulation with a vibrator can help a woman figure out just how much stimulation and where she needs it to have a good orgasm.  Check out this little finger model by Trojan.
4. Different types can help someone explore all sorts of orgasm.  There are vibrators for clitoral, G-spot, and anal play.
5. Vibrators are fun.  They come in literally all different colors, shapes, and sizes.
6. Vibrators can help a man explore his genitals, too. 

Dirty Dozen: 12 Big Sex Mistakes Every Man Should Avoid

When your job is to listen to people's sexual difficulties, you start to pick up on certain patterns.  One of those patterns are the mistakes that many men make when it comes to understanding not only a woman's sexuality, but their own.  Curious?  Let me save you some trouble and just tell you straight out what these mistakes are.

1. Going for the "golden triangle" without any foreplay.  Nipple, nipple, genitals--that's what one client called her "golden triangle."  She didn't see her body that way, she felt her partner did because he was attracted to her erogenous zones the moment they got into bed.  Now, there are some women who are okay with that, but most prefer a warm up.  A warm up helps a woman to relax and prepares her for more erotic touch.
2. Expecting a woman to lubricate the same way, in the same quantity, every time you have sex.  Some men take it very personally when they make love to their partner and her vagina is still rather dry.  A man can go so far as to believe his partner is rejecting him.  But lots of things can hamper lubrication: hormones, stress, the time of month.  So stop worrying, and keep a bottle of lube by the bed.
3. A hard penis means that you are aroused.  No, it doesn't.  That's why some men have difficulty having an orgasm.  Just because you are hard, means that your penis was stimulated.  If you want to be aroused, tell your partner what kind of touch you need and where in order to get turned on, stay hard, and have a better orgasm.
4. Contraception is a woman's responsibility.  This is an old story, but of course men still find themselves in situations with an unwanted pregnancy.  Never assume a woman is using contraception, or that her contraception is reliable.  The same goes for protection from STDs.
5. All women lose interest in sex.  Hey, men lose interest, too, if things get stale.  The way to keep a woman interested in sex is to learn what she likes--and remember it.
6. Going on and on and on and on.  It's a myth that lasting a long time makes for good sex.  Lasting long enough to make sex feel good is more important.  A lot of women whose partners last 15 or 20 or 30 minutes complain that they start getting bored.
7. Someone in the room has to have an erection for sex to take place.  That just puts undue pressure on yourself to perform.  If you are tired or stressed and just can't become erect, but your partner wants sex,

5 Hip Tips for Better Male Sexual Performance

If you are looking for a natural enhancer, a prescription medication without a prescription, or a magical potion for better erections, scat.  You don't want to be here.

If you are looking for ways to understand your sexuality better and to have more pleasure in bed, then stick around and read, because you're about to learn five of my top pieces of advice to men who have performance anxiety that spoils their lovemaking.

1. Sex is about more than your penis.  Surprise!  You have a whole, entire body to be explored.  So many men become penis-centric that they forget that their necks, backs, tush, and even the arches of their feet have erogenous nerve endings.  If you need more sexual attention from your partner, say so.  It will give you a chance to relax and enjoy your lovemaking experience.
2. Sex is better when you stay in the moment.  Don't worry about your next hot move.  Don't bother thinking about what position is going to make your partner explode.  Focus on what you are experiencing right here, right now.
3. Don't rely on porn to help you get off.  Look, porn is so much a part of our landscape that it's pretty much unavoidable.  (Except if you're me.  I don't look at porn.  I don't need to.)  The problem is that you kind of sort of forget what it's like to be with a partner.  Then you get with her and it's freak out time.  So don't get so into the porn that you can't perform sexually with a partner.
4. If you can't get it up, don't despair.  It happens to pretty much everyone, despite what your buddies may say.  Learn to develop your manual and oral sex technique, let your partner know how much she turns you on, and try again when you aren't so tired, worried, etc.
5. Don't let your mind get away from you.  Haven't you ever noticed that the minute you have the thought "What if I lose my erection?" it disappears?  Stop that.  When you have a negative sexual thought, just let it drift away like a cloud and replace it with something more useful like, "Wow, sex just feels so awesome right now."

Sex is not a performance, it's an experience.  If you eat a dish of ice cream, you don't worry about how you look or whether you are eating the ice cream correctly.  You just get into it and enjoy.  And that's the way it is with sex!
 

What Women Don't Know about Male Sexuality

I could write on and on about male sexuality, but today I'm going to focus on the fact that women don't understand male sexuality very well at all.  Even I don't think I understood it very well myself until I became a sex therapist.  Now, about half my practice at any time is filled with men with sexual complaints, and I've learned a lot.

One thing I have learned is that men don't have a lot of emotional outlets, so much of their emotional life gets focused on sex and intercourse.  Men also don't maintain a lot of intimacy in their relationships apart from their wife or long-time partner, and the bedroom is where they experience it most intensely.

Women, on the other hand, have been socialized to believe that "All men want is sex!"  When a man comes to his partner with his sexual needs, she may not realize that he doesn't just want sex, he wants an emotional encounter.  He wants to express his love, and to feel loved.

I have written elsewhere in the past about the fact that some men rather easily separate sex and love, but when a man puts those two things together, he means it.  Women split sex and love also, however.  They have difficulty understanding that making love is just that--making love.  Sex is an avenue for the expression of deep feelings.

Arriba! Mexican Mayor Gives Away Viagra for Sex in the "Third Age"

The Mexico City Journal ran an article about the mayor giving away Viagra to men in the "third age," or the "golden years."  Mayor Marcelo Ebard got an itch in his pants, apparently, to give away this medicine to older men with erectile dysfunction.

Very good, great, I'm all for mature men, women, and couples making love well into their 60s, 70s, and 80s.  As far as research tells us, as long as a person has a partner available and is in decent health, they can and do have sex.

But can you spot the problem?  Very nice, the guy's bringing home pills to get an erection, and his wife may just toss them out the window.  (Jack and the Beanstalk got nothing

When Sex Is a Frill

Why is it, I wonder, that people think of sex as being either extravagant or frivolous?  Maybe it's because

• you're not told about the benefits of pleasure
• you don't know that sexual activity is good for your health
• you think of sex as being something you can only do when everything else on the list has been completed

Sex isn't an extra.  Sex is part of what makes life good.  It isn't a frill, and it isn't extravagant--in fact, it's free.  Sex revs up your circulation, and sends calming hormones through your bloodstream.  And you don't have to "earn" sex by being good and finishing all your chores first.  You can just go ahead and enjoy.  So do.