The Blog Erotic at The Buehler Institute

Make Every Day Valentine's Day

I am going to paraphrase something I read about food over the holidays:  That everyone worries about what they eat between Thanksgiving and New Years, and instead should worry about what they eat the rest of the year.  It's the same with Valentine's Day:  Too much emphasis put on love and romance on one day; what about the rest of the year?

It's still early enough in 2012 to make the remaining days more fun and filled with romance.  Of course, everyone's definition of what is romantic is different; my husband and I, for example, tend to be silly.  For example, we have a running joke about (don't ask) that has gone on for at least a decade, maybe longer.  But every time we make a joke, it reminds us that our relationship is exclusive, that we love each other enough to say such things, and lets us flirt in a matter of moments.

What can you do daily in your life to make every day more like Valentine's Day?  Instead of a big box of (possibly unwanted) chocolates, when you are out and about and spot your love's favorite shop, run in and buy a piece or two of their favorite.  (I can see See's from my window in the Riverside office!)  If you see a book, hear about a concert, or read a restaurant review that makes you think your partner would enjoy that, go ahead and take the steps to procure the item or make a reservation.

Affection should be a daily occurrence.  It can be a hug, a snuggle, a kiss that's more than a peck, a massage, or a statement of love and admiration.  Verbal or silent, giving your partner a bit of love keeps your relationship alive and makes time together something to look forward to.

Beyond the more superficial ways of showing love are deeper ones, such as making a genuine effort to listen, really listen, to your partner without being defensive.  If your partner has a request, or even a complaint, if you listen in the spirit of wanting to help your partner, you will have a much more peaceful and loving connection.

What about adopting a spirit of cooperation?  When your partner has a problem, ask how you can help.  When there are tasks to be done, pitch in.  If your partner is going through a difficult time because of work or family obligations, take over their chores for awhile.  Being a help mate may not seem sexy, but consider the alternative:  Be demanding, uncooperative, or entitled, and see how far that gets you in the bedroom.

Finally, Valentine's Day isn't the only day of the year to try something novel.  There is no law that says red panties or briefs can only come out of the corner of the drawer on February 14.  Keep your partner surprised throughout the year.  Then when Valentine's Day rolls around, you won't have to dish out big bucks to appease your guilt for neglecting your lover the rest of the year!

 

10 Tips for a Super Sex Life in the New Year

We’ve all seen the lists of top resolutions:  vows to lose weight, save money, exercise more.  But what about your sex life?  Sexual desire and pleasure don’t just improve on their own.  You need to put time and effort into having a great sex life, just as you might put time and effort into having a great party or planning a weekend getaway.

 

With that in mind—and from a decade of observation of couples in my sex therapy practice in Newport Beach—here are my top 10 tips for a better sex life:

 

1. Schedule sex.  I realize that doesn’t sound romantic, but consider that if you plan to see a concert with your partner, it doesn’t make the event any less exciting.  If you have trouble fitting sex into your life, put it into the calendar.
2. Flirt.  This is a way to build anticipation so that when you have sex on the scheduled day and time, it comes from a place of connection and fun.  Say naughty things, leave a sexy sweet note by the breakfast plate, or compliment your partner’s best features or qualities to keep the pilot lit.
3. Make out.  This seems to be a lost art.  Many people get right to having sex early in relationships.  Why not have a kissing session that leads to a long, satisfying hug and a good night’s sleep?  You will leave your partner wanting more, and that can be a good thing!
4. Mix it up.  I am always amazed at how many people really do have sex in the same way, in the same place, every single time.  Resolve to have sex in another room of the house, to try a new position, or to switch up the usual order you do things in.  You don’t have to get crazy, just don’t make your sex life like a perpetual rerun. 
5. Communicate.  If there’s something about your sex life that hasn’t been working for you, speak up.  If your partner is telling you something about your sex life, listen.  Believe your partner if he or she says they are bored.  If you are the one who is bored, say something.  You can’t expect things to get better on their own.  Plus, no one can read your mind!
6. Understand your own body.  It’s okay to explore your own body so that you can tell your partner what you like best.  It’s okay to give yourself pleasure so that you know how your body works.
7. Use lube.  Too many people use the amount of lubrication a woman has as an indicator that they find their partner attractive.  That doesn’t work.  Why?  Because all kinds of things, from hormonal change, to stress, to medications can make lubrication iffy.  So grab that tube or bottle and use it to make sex more comfortable.
8. Rest.  Do you find yourself stating, “I’m just too tired for sex!”  Then get some rest.  Your body cannot renew its energy without a minimum of 6 hours of consolidated sleep every night—and 7 or 8 hours of sleep are better.
9. Eat properly.  See number 8, above.  A diet of junk food will sap your health.  Choose to eat fruits, vegetables, complex carbohydrates, and lean protein whenever possible and see your sexual energy rebound.

10. Exercise.  The research proves that it’s true:  People who are fit have fewer problems with sex.  Currently the suggestion is to get a minimum of a 30 minute walk daily.  You don’t have to be a Greek god or goddess, you just have to have pep and stamina to stay sexually healthy.

Look over the list and choose one or two things to work on that you believe will bring the biggest change.  Select a target date, say a month or two, to check in and see how you are doing.  If you are doing okay but think you need more improvement to make sex better, either stick with what you are doing and do more of it, or add in another suggestion.  Find the combination of things that will make sex better for you in the new year! 

How Do You Know a Sex Therapist Is Real?

About every month or so I do a “vanity search” on the Internet to find out where I am ranking when people are searching for a therapist.  Fortunately, I’ve been a sex therapist for a lot longer than many other people in my area, so my website ranks high.  But lately, I’ve noticed a lot of newcomers into the field of sex therapy, and looking at their credentials has me concerned.

 

Here’s why:  Anyone in the state of California who is licensed can call him- or herself a “sex therapist.”  It is the same as calling one’s self an eating disorders or panic attack specialist; no special license is required.  So then how do you know that the person you’ve selected to help you has the right training?

 

First of all, you can see if the person is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.  The requirements for certification are actually pretty stringent.  You have to have at least 90 hours of education in sexuality, see a good number of cases, and have your work supervised over the course of 1-2 years by a certified supervisor like myself.  Besides myself, there are two other certified sex therapists in Orange County:  Michael Smith, MFT and Francesca Cancian, MFT.  Each of us have specialty areas within sex therapy, too.  Michael Smith works with sexual compulsivity and addictions; Francesca Cancian with survivors of sexual assault and abuse, as well as sexuality for mature adults; and I see people with mental disorder diagnoses such as ADD, plus women with sexual pain disorders.  In addition, I supervise two interns working with me who are also becoming certified, one in my Newport office and one in my Riverside office.  We are all very committed to what we do.

 

Second, you can ask the person how long they’ve been licensed, and then how long they’ve been seeing sex therapy clients.  If they haven’t been in practice long, like my interns, then they should be able to tell you that they are in the process of learning sex therapy, and are taking coursework and getting supervision.

 

Third, you can find out if they are actively involved in the community of sex therapists.  There is a lot of work to be done in terms of educating the public about sex, reading research, reviewing research for journals, writing books, reading books and writing reviews, and providing continuing education to peers.

 

Just because someone comes up on a search when you are looking for a sex therapist doesn’t automatically qualify him or her to treat you.  Don’t be shy about asking.  I personally never take offense when someone asks about my credibility—but maybe that’s because I have no doubt in my ability to help someone with a problem of a sexual nature!

10 New Year's Resolutions for Couples

I do a ton of couples therapy in my sex therapy practice and though I like it best when couples figure things out on their own, sometimes relationships become so foggy (like the weather today) that they can't see their way out.  Over the years, in my own almost 25 year marriage, observer of relationships, and relationship therapist, I've learned some truths that I want to pass along to you as New Year's resolutions for 2011.

1. Spend time together.  If your car was out of fuel, you'd be mortified.  Why is it okay to let your relationship run on fumes?  The "fuel" of a relationship is enjoying each other's company.  You don't have to be hot glued at the hip, but you do have to find enough balance in your life so you can spend time with your partner.
2. Demonstrate gratitude.  Don't just praise your partner when they go out of their way.  Think about it:  There is no written rule that says your partner must do anything for you.  Everything your partner does--making coffee, sorting laundry, or earning a living--is worthy of praise.  How much time and energy does it take, really, to say, "Thanks!"
3. Listen.  If there is one thing and only one thing you resolve to do this year, it is to listen to your partner.  It is easy to think that you are listening.  After all, you are in the same space or on the same phone or data line, right?  But deep listening is another matter.  What is your partner really saying to you?  What is the emotional content behind their sentences?  You need to listen to "felt" communication, not just stay on the surface.  When you hear a change in your partner's voice--in its pitch, its volume, or its speed--pay attention!  There is more going on, don't miss it.  Make your partner feel heard.
4. Share.  Tell your partner what you are thinking and feeling.  Don't hold things in and build up a well of resentment that spills over into your relationship.  It does neither partner any good to pretend that things are okay when really you are aching inside.  If your partner cares about you, they will listen (see #3, above).
5. Cooperate.  You want to have a spirit of cooperation in your relationship.  How can you solve a problem in an efficient way that best uses the talents of both people?  Life shouldn't be a power struggle.  Don't try to dominate your partner to make things go your way, or your way may be out the door!
6. Be romantic.  It's a pet peeve of mine when someone claims that they "don't know how to be romantic."  What you're really saying:  You think it's silly, or you feel silly doing something romantic, because it involves feelings.  It's such a common complaint in my office, a partner wanting romance.  Romance is a display that you thought about your partner, that you care, and that your partner is more than a warm body with whom you have occasional sex.  So learn to be romantic.  It isn't hard.  That's why they make cards, sell flowers, decorate restaurants, etc., to help you express yourself.
7. Be sensual.  Masters and Johnson famously said, "Sex is more than body parts and friction."  It breaks my heart to hear that in this day and age there are still couples that are having sex this way:  She lifts her nightgown, and he sticks it in.  Really?  Light up some candles (or use LED ones, they're safer), put on some music, spray on some fragrance, have a sip of wine or sparkling water, and get into some lovemaking.
8. Take care of personal problems.  Don't let your personal problems wear out your partner.  Do you have a drinking problem?  Get help.  A bad temper?  Learn to control it.  Are you a slob?  Call an organizer, or a friend who will help you.  Are you overweight?  Diet and exercise.  A basket case?  Take a yoga class.  If you love your partner and want to keep the relationship, don't make your partner stand for bad behavior.  (I'm not talking about little problems.  A pile of magazines is different from a hallway lined with stacks of them a la "Hoarders."  Three beers on a Saturday night is different than a six pack every night.)
9. If you can't agree on something big, don't do it.  Big things include having a child, taking a job that requires a big move, owning a dog, remodeling a house, or changing careers to cause a drastic change in lifestyle.  Don't force your partner to take on obligations that will ultimately cause resentment.  If you can't get an agreement, let it go.  Learn to be content with something else.  Move on.
10. See your partner as human.  A partner isn't a target for your frustrations.  They don't exist as a means for you to work out unresolved issues from childhood.  They aren't there to fulfill your every need.  If you've managed to keep your relationship going, realize that your partner is still around because he or she loves you.  It's the least you can do to love them back.

You won't be able to do all ten of these resolutions; don't even try.  But pick one or two to work on over time.  Once you make progress and your new behavior becomes second nature, try working on another resolution.  May you find love and peace in the New Year.

10 Top Reasons to Use a Vibrator (Even If You're Married)

More than half of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator as part of their sex play, according to a blog post by sex educator Cory Silverberg.  That's compared to only 1% of people way back in the 70's (but I'm guessing most people lied, using a vibrator back then would have been considered completely embarrassing, worse than having a bra strap show).

What is it about vibrators that make them so much fun?  Well, everyone has a different reason for using them.  It is interesting to note that a lot of couples that I see in my practice don't use vibrators, even though many fit the most common demographic according to Xandria (white, Christian, Republican women).  I find that many people fear that a vibrator will replace intimacy in the bedroom, but that's just not true.

If you're in the group that has never used a vibrator, or if you need some inspiration to dust off the one hidden in your bedroom drawer, here is some inspiration in my top 10 list:

1. Vibrators feel good.  Vibrators tickle the nerves and build great tension in the genitals, which feels fantastic when it is released.
2. They are efficient.  If a woman (or man, for that matter) feels a little too tired but still wants to have pleasure, a vibrator can help get the job done without much effort.
3. They help a woman understand her body.  Stimulation with a vibrator can help a woman figure out just how much stimulation and where she needs it to have a good orgasm.  Check out this little finger model by Trojan.
4. Different types can help someone explore all sorts of orgasm.  There are vibrators for clitoral, G-spot, and anal play.
5. Vibrators are fun.  They come in literally all different colors, shapes, and sizes.
6. Vibrators can help a man explore his genitals, too. 

"Smart" Women and Orgasm: Don't Feel Bad Over "Low EQ"

Late last week, the media buzzed about a research article that suggested that "smart" women are more likely to experience orgasm than...dumb ones? 

[If you want the quick skinny, check Dr. Petra Boynton's blog posts, in which she criticizes both the researchers (for the construction of the study and the researchers' conclusions, which are based on barely significant data) and the media (for equating Emotional Intelligence, or "EQ" with "IQ").]

My take is that women who either do not experience orgasm (anorgasmia) or who experience it infrequently have yet another reason to feel that they are sexually inadequate-or just simply inadequate. 

After all, some women aren't bothered by anorgasmia or occasions when orgasm doesn't happen.  Yet here is another article that suggests that women who don't have orgasm have some serious pathology going on.  The fact is, about 10% of women never experience orgasm.  Also, the ability to have orgasm may change with a woman's hormones or even the amount of stress she is experiencing.  Orgasm just isn't such a cut and dry affair, as it mostly is with men. 

(But even men have trouble with orgasm.  More and more men are calling my office with delayed ejaculation--just taking too damn long to come.) 

Then, women who have difficulty with orgasm are further damned by the media as having emotional stupidity.  EQ is a fairly recent concept.  EQ is your ability to manage your emotions and to understand the emotions of others.  The premise is that the better you are able to do this, the more satisfying your social interactions.

But there is much more that goes into orgasm than being able to have good social interactions with your partner.  Sure, being able to share yourself intimately with your partner might make it easier to tell your partner what you like, and to express yourself sexually.

This, however, does not bear out in my clinical experience and, I'm guessing, the clinical experience of other sex therapists and educators.  The reason one woman orgasms easily and another one finds it takes more energy if it's going to happen may not be based on EQ, IQ, personality, or even the quality of her relationship.  It may be related to lack of sex education regarding her body, her anatomy (some studies show that having a clitoris located closer to the vaginal opening helps, e.g.), and experience.  It may have to do with

12 Big Sex Mistakes that Women Should Avoid

Just like men, women make some bedroom blunders, too, when it comes to sex.  In fact, women are sometimes worse culprits when it comes to buying into sexual myths like, "Men are like a lightswitch, they are either 'on' or 'off' when it comes to their drive."  So let's start with that myth and move on from there.

1. Men can get turned on just with a breeze blowing by.

  Maybe that's true if the guy's 22, but beyond that, men definitely have times when they need more than a breeze to find sex appealing. 

A little demonstration from their female partner can be very encouraging...and sexy.

Expecting a man to know what turns you on.  Why should a man know your body better than you do?  Let your partner know what you like.  Better still, show him.

Not reciprocating during lovemaking.  Some women really do just lie there and expect the male partner to do all the "work."  Men love to be made love to, so don't overlook your opportunity to please your partner.

Thinking sex is "messy."  Well, so is making a salad, when you think about it!  The odors and fluids that go along with sex are suppposed to be sensual, not gross.  Start thinking about them that way and sex will be a lot less gross to you.

Certain positions are "unladylike."  I've had women explain that having sex "doggy style" is too animalistic for their tastes, or that being on top is too

Who Is Dr. Hoo-Ha and Why Did She Get an Award?

Get ready to laugh; I did!  Click to read a spoof on The Onion.  Could it get any sillier when it comes to talking about the science of women's sexuality?

What's pertinent to me is that on Friday Andrew Schorr of the radio program "Patient Power" will be interviewing myself and Chris Veasley of the NVA on "Women's Sexuality:  Why the Silence."  I wrote about this on The Buehler Institute blog, which I invite you to read.

While it's perfectly okay to listen to tv commercials that let us know that men can have "erections that last more than 4 hours," it's scandal to talk about a woman's genitals, e.g., her clitoris, vagina, vulva, labia, and mons.  (Click here for a diagram if you don't know what these are!)

Want Orgasms? Good Article Link Here!

I was going through my Google alerts--most of which are pretty dull, awful, or just plain dumb (herbs for a bigger penis, anyone?)--and found a good general article for women on orgasms in the UK publication, The Sun. 

Enjoy!

Sex, 'Frisco Style

Okay, I'm old enough to have hitchhiked* to San Francisco during the sexual revolution.  Old enough to have participated in the same.  So why, when I read this article in the NY Times on a retreat centered on women's pleasure, am I so darn puzzled?

After all, the leader of the cul--I mean, retreat, is a woman, and the core idea--that women need to embrace their sexuality--is a good one.

But women waking up each morning, coming into a public room unclothed from the top down, and having clothed men masturbating them seems like a very odd way to accomplish said goal.

I mean, I kinda sorta get it.  If you can "let go" in an arena (hmm, arena, hmm, an interesting choice of words) like that, I guess you can let go anywhere, with anyone.  I guess.

As a sex therapist, most women I know are rather sensitive to the environment and need to have trust in their partner in order to have satisfying sex.

But what do I know?  After all, I'm old enough to have hitched to 'frisco during the sexual revolution.

What do you think? 

*Hitchhiked!  What an idiot!