The Blog Erotic

10 Top Reasons to Use a Vibrator (Even If You're Married)

More than half of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator as part of their sex play, according to a blog post by sex educator Cory Silverberg.  That's compared to only 1% of people way back in the 70's (but I'm guessing most people lied, using a vibrator back then would have been considered completely embarrassing, worse than having a bra strap show).

What is it about vibrators that make them so much fun?  Well, everyone has a different reason for using them.  It is interesting to note that a lot of couples that I see in my practice don't use vibrators, even though many fit the most common demographic according to Xandria (white, Christian, Republican women).  I find that many people fear that a vibrator will replace intimacy in the bedroom, but that's just not true.

If you're in the group that has never used a vibrator, or if you need some inspiration to dust off the one hidden in your bedroom drawer, here is some inspiration in my top 10 list:

1. Vibrators feel good.  Vibrators tickle the nerves and build great tension in the genitals, which feels fantastic when it is released.
2. They are efficient.  If a woman (or man, for that matter) feels a little too tired but still wants to have pleasure, a vibrator can help get the job done without much effort.
3. They help a woman understand her body.  Stimulation with a vibrator can help a woman figure out just how much stimulation and where she needs it to have a good orgasm.  Check out this little finger model by Trojan.
4. Different types can help someone explore all sorts of orgasm.  There are vibrators for clitoral, G-spot, and anal play.
5. Vibrators are fun.  They come in literally all different colors, shapes, and sizes.
6. Vibrators can help a man explore his genitals, too. 

"Smart" Women and Orgasm: Don't Feel Bad Over "Low EQ"

Late last week, the media buzzed about a research article that suggested that "smart" women are more likely to experience orgasm than...dumb ones? 

[If you want the quick skinny, check Dr. Petra Boynton's blog posts, in which she criticizes both the researchers (for the construction of the study and the researchers' conclusions, which are based on barely significant data) and the media (for equating Emotional Intelligence, or "EQ" with "IQ").]

My take is that women who either do not experience orgasm (anorgasmia) or who experience it infrequently have yet another reason to feel that they are sexually inadequate-or just simply inadequate. 

After all, some women aren't bothered by anorgasmia or occasions when orgasm doesn't happen.  Yet here is another article that suggests that women who don't have orgasm have some serious pathology going on.  The fact is, about 10% of women never experience orgasm.  Also, the ability to have orgasm may change with a woman's hormones or even the amount of stress she is experiencing.  Orgasm just isn't such a cut and dry affair, as it mostly is with men. 

(But even men have trouble with orgasm.  More and more men are calling my office with delayed ejaculation--just taking too damn long to come.) 

Then, women who have difficulty with orgasm are further damned by the media as having emotional stupidity.  EQ is a fairly recent concept.  EQ is your ability to manage your emotions and to understand the emotions of others.  The premise is that the better you are able to do this, the more satisfying your social interactions.

But there is much more that goes into orgasm than being able to have good social interactions with your partner.  Sure, being able to share yourself intimately with your partner might make it easier to tell your partner what you like, and to express yourself sexually.

This, however, does not bear out in my clinical experience and, I'm guessing, the clinical experience of other sex therapists and educators.  The reason one woman orgasms easily and another one finds it takes more energy if it's going to happen may not be based on EQ, IQ, personality, or even the quality of her relationship.  It may be related to lack of sex education regarding her body, her anatomy (some studies show that having a clitoris located closer to the vaginal opening helps, e.g.), and experience.  It may have to do with

12 Big Sex Mistakes that Women Should Avoid

Just like men, women make some bedroom blunders, too, when it comes to sex.  In fact, women are sometimes worse culprits when it comes to buying into sexual myths like, "Men are like a lightswitch, they are either 'on' or 'off' when it comes to their drive."  So let's start with that myth and move on from there.

1. Men can get turned on just with a breeze blowing by.

  Maybe that's true if the guy's 22, but beyond that, men definitely have times when they need more than a breeze to find sex appealing. 

A little demonstration from their female partner can be very encouraging...and sexy.

Expecting a man to know what turns you on.  Why should a man know your body better than you do?  Let your partner know what you like.  Better still, show him.

Not reciprocating during lovemaking.  Some women really do just lie there and expect the male partner to do all the "work."  Men love to be made love to, so don't overlook your opportunity to please your partner.

Thinking sex is "messy."  Well, so is making a salad, when you think about it!  The odors and fluids that go along with sex are suppposed to be sensual, not gross.  Start thinking about them that way and sex will be a lot less gross to you.

Certain positions are "unladylike."  I've had women explain that having sex "doggy style" is too animalistic for their tastes, or that being on top is too

Who Is Dr. Hoo-Ha and Why Did She Get an Award?

Get ready to laugh; I did!  Click to read a spoof on The Onion.  Could it get any sillier when it comes to talking about the science of women's sexuality?

What's pertinent to me is that on Friday Andrew Schorr of the radio program "Patient Power" will be interviewing myself and Chris Veasley of the NVA on "Women's Sexuality:  Why the Silence."  I wrote about this on The Buehler Institute blog, which I invite you to read.

While it's perfectly okay to listen to tv commercials that let us know that men can have "erections that last more than 4 hours," it's scandal to talk about a woman's genitals, e.g., her clitoris, vagina, vulva, labia, and mons.  (Click here for a diagram if you don't know what these are!)

Want Orgasms? Good Article Link Here!

I was going through my Google alerts--most of which are pretty dull, awful, or just plain dumb (herbs for a bigger penis, anyone?)--and found a good general article for women on orgasms in the UK publication, The Sun. 

Enjoy!

Sex, 'Frisco Style

Okay, I'm old enough to have hitchhiked* to San Francisco during the sexual revolution.  Old enough to have participated in the same.  So why, when I read this article in the NY Times on a retreat centered on women's pleasure, am I so darn puzzled?

After all, the leader of the cul--I mean, retreat, is a woman, and the core idea--that women need to embrace their sexuality--is a good one.

But women waking up each morning, coming into a public room unclothed from the top down, and having clothed men masturbating them seems like a very odd way to accomplish said goal.

I mean, I kinda sorta get it.  If you can "let go" in an arena (hmm, arena, hmm, an interesting choice of words) like that, I guess you can let go anywhere, with anyone.  I guess.

As a sex therapist, most women I know are rather sensitive to the environment and need to have trust in their partner in order to have satisfying sex.

But what do I know?  After all, I'm old enough to have hitched to 'frisco during the sexual revolution.

What do you think? 

*Hitchhiked!  What an idiot!

When Sex Is a Frill

Why is it, I wonder, that people think of sex as being either extravagant or frivolous?  Maybe it's because

• you're not told about the benefits of pleasure
• you don't know that sexual activity is good for your health
• you think of sex as being something you can only do when everything else on the list has been completed

Sex isn't an extra.  Sex is part of what makes life good.  It isn't a frill, and it isn't extravagant--in fact, it's free.  Sex revs up your circulation, and sends calming hormones through your bloodstream.  And you don't have to "earn" sex by being good and finishing all your chores first.  You can just go ahead and enjoy.  So do.

When It Comes to Sex, Women Want to Be Wanted

The New York Times ran a magazine article, What Do Women Want?, on Sunday, that I think will probably cause more confusion than clarification.  Even with all the scientific sexology hoopla, I don't think the article brings us any closer to knowing about women's sexual desire.

Why?  Because women's sexual desire is a many splendored thing.  A woman's low sexual desire is probably one of the most elusive things that I treat in my office.  There's always a reason a woman doesn't want sex, but man, it's sometimes hidden as far from view as a hermit crab that's picked the wrong size shell.  (Okay, that's kind of a weird metaphor, but it's early a.m.  Let's go with it.)

Sometimes we find the answer when I ask the question, "What else do you want?"  Women answer that they want