The Blog Erotic at The Buehler Institute

Sex, Love, and and OCD on "Glee"

 

What do the television show "Glee" and my book, Sex, Love, and Mental Illness: A Couple's Guide to Staying Connected have in common?  Last night, choir director Will Schuster almost didn't go through with his marriage proposal to prissy guidance counselor Emma Pillsbury because she has obsessive compulsive disorder.  In fact, it is her parents who decline to give Will permission to marry Emma because they think that  he will tire of her mental illness and leave her.  He wonders how Emma will manage her job, marriage and, eventually, a baby with the burden of OCD.

When one member of a couple has OCD, it does create challenges.  OCD is an anxiety disorder in which a person gets stuck in a groove in which they need to perform some act to avoid a feeling of panic or dread.  A common compulsive behavior is checking locks and doors before leaving the house.  I once treated someone who took a full hour to check everything before he and his wife could leave on vacation.  Another common compulsion is to keep everything spotless. 

Can you imagine trying to have sex with someone who is so worried about whether or not they shut off everything in the kitchen that they are unable to relax?  Or with someone who is terrified of getting bodily fluids and hair on the sheets?It may sound a little silly, but when it's real, it is anything but.  When cases of OCD are extreme, marriages do get destroyed. 

In my book Sex, Love, and Mental Illness: A Couple's Guide to Staying Connected, I discuss the impact of anxiety disorders like OCD on relationships and how to overcome obstacles, including overcoming side effects of psychotropic medications used to treat them.  Minimizing stress and developing patience are part of the role of the partner.  Figuring out how to make sex sexy rather than upsetting is another goal.  This may mean scheduling sex, taking showers and brushing teeth, and creating rituals for relaxation.  In other words, don't fight the OCD, but work with it to make the partner with OCD comfortable.

Fortunately, at the end of "Glee," Will decides that his feelings for Emma and her willingness to continue treatment win out over the mental illness and he proposes to her in grand style.  When she says yes, it's a triumph of love over disease.  Let's hope that the couple can learn to live with OCD, coping in ways that make it possible to have a happily ever after life.

 

10 Tips for a Super Sex Life in the New Year

We’ve all seen the lists of top resolutions:  vows to lose weight, save money, exercise more.  But what about your sex life?  Sexual desire and pleasure don’t just improve on their own.  You need to put time and effort into having a great sex life, just as you might put time and effort into having a great party or planning a weekend getaway.

 

With that in mind—and from a decade of observation of couples in my sex therapy practice in Newport Beach—here are my top 10 tips for a better sex life:

 

1. Schedule sex.  I realize that doesn’t sound romantic, but consider that if you plan to see a concert with your partner, it doesn’t make the event any less exciting.  If you have trouble fitting sex into your life, put it into the calendar.
2. Flirt.  This is a way to build anticipation so that when you have sex on the scheduled day and time, it comes from a place of connection and fun.  Say naughty things, leave a sexy sweet note by the breakfast plate, or compliment your partner’s best features or qualities to keep the pilot lit.
3. Make out.  This seems to be a lost art.  Many people get right to having sex early in relationships.  Why not have a kissing session that leads to a long, satisfying hug and a good night’s sleep?  You will leave your partner wanting more, and that can be a good thing!
4. Mix it up.  I am always amazed at how many people really do have sex in the same way, in the same place, every single time.  Resolve to have sex in another room of the house, to try a new position, or to switch up the usual order you do things in.  You don’t have to get crazy, just don’t make your sex life like a perpetual rerun. 
5. Communicate.  If there’s something about your sex life that hasn’t been working for you, speak up.  If your partner is telling you something about your sex life, listen.  Believe your partner if he or she says they are bored.  If you are the one who is bored, say something.  You can’t expect things to get better on their own.  Plus, no one can read your mind!
6. Understand your own body.  It’s okay to explore your own body so that you can tell your partner what you like best.  It’s okay to give yourself pleasure so that you know how your body works.
7. Use lube.  Too many people use the amount of lubrication a woman has as an indicator that they find their partner attractive.  That doesn’t work.  Why?  Because all kinds of things, from hormonal change, to stress, to medications can make lubrication iffy.  So grab that tube or bottle and use it to make sex more comfortable.
8. Rest.  Do you find yourself stating, “I’m just too tired for sex!”  Then get some rest.  Your body cannot renew its energy without a minimum of 6 hours of consolidated sleep every night—and 7 or 8 hours of sleep are better.
9. Eat properly.  See number 8, above.  A diet of junk food will sap your health.  Choose to eat fruits, vegetables, complex carbohydrates, and lean protein whenever possible and see your sexual energy rebound.

10. Exercise.  The research proves that it’s true:  People who are fit have fewer problems with sex.  Currently the suggestion is to get a minimum of a 30 minute walk daily.  You don’t have to be a Greek god or goddess, you just have to have pep and stamina to stay sexually healthy.

Look over the list and choose one or two things to work on that you believe will bring the biggest change.  Select a target date, say a month or two, to check in and see how you are doing.  If you are doing okay but think you need more improvement to make sex better, either stick with what you are doing and do more of it, or add in another suggestion.  Find the combination of things that will make sex better for you in the new year! 

Thinking About Vacation Sex?

It's vacation time!  Couples are visiting family, couples are on trips designed around romance.  And some have expectations about sex.  Here are some things I have learned from listening to all kinds of vacation sex experiences.

1. Vacation might or might not be a great time to work on your sex life.  If your sex life has been in bad shape, sex might be awkward.  If you are a typical vacationer, you might also be eating or drinking more than usual, not exactly a recipe for love making.  You might also really need to recharge your batteries, and sex requires energy.
2. It's a good idea to talk about expectations before you head off to your vacation location.  Are you wanting to get involved in every activity you can possibly sign up for--and thus leave little time for romance?  Or do you want to make sure you schedule down time for relaxing and getting in the mood? 
3. Speaking of expectations, I cannot begin to tell you how many people come into my office just a few weeks before a big vacation to get help with their sex life so they can have a good time while they're gone!  Therapy helps--but it isn't a magic bullet.  The time to work on your sex life is as soon as you recognize there is a problem.  That way you can have a reasonable timeline for fixing your sex life.
4. Go for quality, not quantity.  It is interesting that most couples can count the exact number of times they had sex during vacation.  Once is generally considered to be terrible, twice is okay, three times is good, and four times is fantastic.  Really?  And for which partner?  If you have a really good, long session of sex, you might be pretty satisfied for a couple of days; if you have a few short quickies, you might not be satisfied much at all.  Perhaps you are looking for more of an emotional connection, or the kind of orgasm you can only have when you are fully relaxed and have time for 20 or 30 minutes of foreplay.
5. Don't forget the lube.  If you have to pack more than a carry-on bag in order to get the lube to your location, then do it, or plan to stop at a drugstore when you get to your new location.  And while you're at it, don't forget the birth control unless you want a pregnancy as a souvenir of your trip.

As always, good communication is the key for all sexual interactions.  If you have concerns about your sex life, the time to talk about them is before you take your vacation.  In fact, the time to have a conversation might be when you are planning a vacation so that you can take your couple sexual needs into account, for example, when choosing accommodations.  For example, a suite-type room might be nice if you are taking the kids along so that you can really have privacy in the evening, or asking for a quiet room away from the pool if you want don't want to listen to noise while you make love.

Vacation sex can be wonderful sex.  Doing new things together potentially creates a great, intimate energy together. 

Next post:  How to bring vacation sex back into your day-to-day life.

Pure Silver: Celebrating 25 Years of Marriage

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.

--John Barth

 

 

Today my husband Mark and I celebrate our silver wedding anniversary.  We are very happy, a little stunned, and rather proud of what we have accomplished:  Creating a relationship that nourishes, comforts, excites, and reflects us.  Our marriage may not work for everyone.  It is a relationship created to support who we are and who we want to become.  The stability of our marriage helped us create an environment for raising our daughter to adulthood, but also for raising ourselves.

 

Too often in a marriage or committed relationship, partners are focused on changing one another.  This is a recipe for futility.  While it is normal for partners to ask one another to stop or start certain behaviors, expecting someone to change their personality to conform to your own demonstrates misunderstanding of what a committed relationship is really about.

 

Unfortunately, many people come into a marriage with a fragile sense of self.  There exists a myth that a partner will “complete me,” filling in one’s gaps and weaknesses with their strengths.  And in a partnership, it is true that individuals can balance one another.  But unless we were raised in a functional household (party of one?) with parents who understood how to respect one another (as opposed to one partner caving in to the other), most of us come to a relationship with gaps that need more than spackle:  They need drywall, stucco, and paint, too.

 

Marriage isn’t the endpoint of adulthood.  It is the beginning.  In marriage, we come face to face not just with our partner but ourselves.  Our weaknesses emerge in bas relief, demonstrating that we indeed possess some not very attractive qualities that need to be remedied.  Jealousy, resentment, fear, anger and rage, pettiness, rigidity, righteousness—reads like a compendium of qualities we generally thought we gave up when we graduated high school or college.

 

But no.  We have crummy, unwanted, unattractive parts of ourselves.  If we are able to deal with them, to own them and work on them, we can become not just a better person, but also a better partner.  If we ignore them and they burble around, we can end up projecting them onto our partner, blaming him or her for making us feel bad.  But remember the old sticks and stones rhyme?  No one can make you feel bad.  Or, as we used to say in the old days, no one should be able to push your buttons, and you should not be pushing anyone else’s either.  It’s the old “I’m okay, you’re not,” except really, guess what?  You’re not okay, either, just in case you haven’t noticed.

 

So the task is to engage in a program of rather continual self-examination.  If you have a fight with your partner, the idea is not to sit and stew

Sex, Love, and Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adults in the United States alone.  Naturally, many of those adults are married or in a committed relationship.  Bipolar disorder (what used to be called “manic depression”) is a severe disorder in which the individual experiences mood swings from energized to depressed.  When a person with bipolar disorder (BPD) is energized, they feel great but can have behaviors that are destructive to themselves and their relationship, such as:

• Spending large amounts of money without concern for the consequences
• Having bigger-than-life ideas that they try to carry out despite a large risk for failure
• Pressured, rapid speech and quickly changing ideas that can leave the listener exhausted
• Elevated mood, feeling too good for the situation they are in
• Being hypersexual or sexually promiscuous and engaging in risky sexual behaviors
• Having a severely depressed mood after a hypomanic or manic episode

It’s enough to make anyone with bipolar disorder and his or her partner distressed.  Even after the diagnosis is made and the partner with bipolar disorder is medicated, there can be lingering emotional pain.  For example:

• The person with bipolar disorder may be ashamed of their behavior, particular sexual acting out
• The partner may doubt the relationship because of sexual acting out and have difficulty with trust
• The couple may be unable to sort out what can be attributed to the disorder and what to the sufferer’s character
• The couple may feel unable to share their sexual struggles with a therapist or psychiatrist
• Medications can have sexual side effects, which many people are unaware of, making sex confusing instead of comforting

 Finding a sex therapist who is also a licensed psychotherapist can be a tremendous help for couples in which one partner has bipolar disorder.  Even if the disorder hasn’t been diagnosed but is suspected, a psychotherapist can help the couple sort out symptoms and an appropriate treatment plan.

To find a sex therapist in your area, visit http://www.aasect.org.  Be sure to ask the therapist whether or not he or she is licensed and if they have experience diagnosing mental illnesses.  When a couple is in crisis due to a psychological problem like bipolar disorder, the treatment plan can be quite complex, so be prepared to spend more than a session or two discussing symptoms and history, and multiple sessions not only learning how to cope as a couple, but how to address concerns around intimacy and sexuality.

 

You also can learn more about sex, love, and mental illness by reading my book, available on amazon, Sex, Love, and Mental Illness:  A Couple's Guide to Staying Connected.

Double Taboos: Sex and Mental Illness—Sex Therapist Addresses Both in New Book

For Immediate Release

What do you know about sex and mental illness?  Probably very little--a fact that makes little sense, since based on available figures, mental disorders affect the sexual relationships of millions of couples.  Until now, little has been written to serve those couples and the professionals who offer them care.  While not everyone with a mental illness will be able to sustain a long-term, intimate relationship, many do. 

In a unique new book entitled Sex, Love, and Mental Illness: A Couple’s Guide to Staying Connected, psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler provides valuable information for couples in which one or both partners suffers from mental illness—with resulting sexual problems.  Sex, Love, and Mental Illness: A Couple’s Guide to Staying Connected will help both partners understand the effects of mental illness—and of the medications used to treat it—on sexual desire and performance.  It also discusses ways that couples can maintain both physical and emotional intimacy.

The first section of the book centers on common sexual concerns and loving someone with a mental disorder.  The second addresses a wide range of mental disorders, their effects on relationships, and ways couples can work together to overcome those effects. 

Among the conditions covered are mood disorders, anxiety disorders; chronic pain; eating disorders; post traumatic stress; ADD; Asperger’s Syndrome; and severe mental illness, such as schizophrenia.  The emphasis throughout is on each partner developing empathy and communication skills to enhance the sexual relationship and preserve a health relationship.

Internationally known sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler reports, “I wrote Sex, Love, and Mental Illness when I needed to find ways to help my own patients who have mood, anxiety, and other disorders have better sexual relationships—and could not find any information within the books on my own shelf.  That’s when I realized that couples—as well as other professionals—could benefit from a manual that discusses this potentially taboo topic in a natural, doable manner.”

Dr. Stephanie Buehler is an internationally recognized psychologist and sex therapist in private practice at The Buehler Institute in Newport Beach, CA.   In addition to a doctorate in psychology, Dr. Buehler also holds a Master of Professional Writing degree from the University of Southern California.  Sex, Love, and Mental Illness:  A Couple’s Guide to Staying Connected is readily available at online bookstores.

Note to my readers:  You may reprint this release provided you include the final paragraph along with the links it contains.

 

How to Find a Great Sex Therapist

When you are looking for a sex therapist to help you overcome a difficult issue, you want to be sure that you are hiring someone that has the knowledge and experience to get the job done.  Hiring a sex therapist shouldn’t be much different that hiring an attorney, CPA, or other professional:  You ask around from friends and colleagues who they might recommend.  Unfortunately, hiring a sex therapist isn’t so easy.  There aren’t a lot of them; you don’t know who among your friends has sought therapy; and you may be too embarrassed to ask around.

Today, most people turn to the Internet to find a sex therapist.  How do you judge from what you see on a website whether or not you are making a good choice?  Here are some things to look for as you study up on your options:

Licensure.  By law, anyone calling him- or herself a psychotherapist must be licensed in the State of California.  The possible licenses in California are psychiatrist (medical doctor [M.D.] who can prescribe medications); psychologist (doctorate in psychology [Ph.D. or Psy.D.]); licensed clinical social worker (master’s degree in social work [MSW or LCSW]); or marriage and family therapist (master’s degree in marriage and family therapy [M.A., MFT]). 

A person who is a “sex coach” or “sex educator” may be able to offer some types of help, but they are not licensed.  This may be an issue if you decide that you want to seek reimbursement from your health insurance for mental health services, as insurance will only pay if the practitioner is licensed.

A sex therapist’s license type and license number must, by law, be displayed in any type of advertising.  They are also supposed to display their degree.  If you are unsure whether someone is licensed, you can check with the Board of Psychology or Board of Behavioral Sciences. 

Interns must tell you that they are working under someone else’s supervision and that information also must be displayed on the website. 

Education.  Where did the person go to school?  Someone who has attended an accredited university that they are proud of will display it prominently somewhere on their site.  The sex therapist will have, at minimum, a master’s degree.  There are sex therapists with doctorates and even medical doctors who conduct sex therapy.

Training.  You should be aware that there are a couple of organizations that rather easily grant someone the title of “sex therapist.”  It’s easy because only one state, Florida, requires a person to show they have specialized training.

The primary organization that certifies people as sex therapists is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.  Even if a practitioner is not yet certified, membership in AASECT is a good sign that they are serious about getting trained to provide such services to the public.

Experience.  It can be hard to tell how much experience someone has from looking at their website.  Someone newly licensed and someone who has been practicing for a decade or two—or more—can advertise their services in the same way.  It may be a good idea, if you are interested in someone’s services, to ask how many years they have been licensed, as well as how many years they have been offering sex therapy.

Another thing to look at is whether or not the person is active in organizations related to sex therapy; whether or not they have published academic or popular work; if they offer continuing education; and if they speak or write about their field in order to educate the public.

Success rate.  This may sound a bit strange, but psychotherapists are ethically not supposed to tell people about a success rate.  That’s because

Sex and Depression: How Your Mood Affects Your Drive and Relationship

In my new book, Sex, Love, & Mental Illness:  A Couple's Guide to Staying Connected, I devote quite a number of pages to mood disorders, especially depression.  While most people know what it feels like to be down or have "the blues," depression is a serious mental illness that can interfere with a person's sexuality and relationship in all kinds of ways.  Many people, however, don't know what depression looks like, and that's a problem, because if you don't know what you're faced with, you're going to have a hard time making things better, in or out of the bedroom.

Depression and a low sex drive go together in a couple of  ways:

• Fatigue is a big part of depression, so if you frequently feel "too tired" for sex, it might be a symptom of a mood problem.
• You may not enjoy things you used to enjoy doing, and sex may be one of them.
• Although you may be hurting, your behavior may send signals that you want to be left alone, causing emotional distance between yourself and your partner.
• You feel lethargic, as if you could hardly move; since sex requires movement, it carries little appeal.
• Feeling hopeless or helpless are common in depression--and not very sexy.

Feeling depressed is not a sign of a character flaw.  In our culture, we are often told to "Buck up," "Get on with life," or "Smile, it's contagious," which makes admitting that one is down very difficult.  Depression happens for all kinds of reasons, but is usually connected to feelings of loss or worthlessness.  Depression can also be physical, as when someone's hormones are out of balance or there is a chronic illness.  Unfortunately, depression sometimes gets missed because not everyone knows its symptoms.

You might also consider that one reason you may be feeling depressed is because you aren't having enough sex.  Orgasm helps the body to relax.  Many brain chemicals, including serotonin, are released in the brain during orgasm.  If you are in the habit of denying your sexual needs, you might be at risk for depression.  If you don't have a partner available or don't feel up to partnered sex, you might try self-pleasuring in order to have sexual, physical, and emotional release from built up tension.

If you suspect that depression is getting in the way of sexual connection and pleasure, you have many options for getting better, including medication, psychotherapy, and self-help, e.g., developing a more positive outlook and a healthy routine.  In the meantime, you and your partner will need to learn how to stay connected even though you may feel bad.  Try to tune into yourself to see what you might need, rather than denying yourself.  Listen to what your partner needs, too, because feeling needed may help you feel less depressed.

 

 

10 New Year's Resolutions for Couples

I do a ton of couples therapy in my sex therapy practice and though I like it best when couples figure things out on their own, sometimes relationships become so foggy (like the weather today) that they can't see their way out.  Over the years, in my own almost 25 year marriage, observer of relationships, and relationship therapist, I've learned some truths that I want to pass along to you as New Year's resolutions for 2011.

1. Spend time together.  If your car was out of fuel, you'd be mortified.  Why is it okay to let your relationship run on fumes?  The "fuel" of a relationship is enjoying each other's company.  You don't have to be hot glued at the hip, but you do have to find enough balance in your life so you can spend time with your partner.
2. Demonstrate gratitude.  Don't just praise your partner when they go out of their way.  Think about it:  There is no written rule that says your partner must do anything for you.  Everything your partner does--making coffee, sorting laundry, or earning a living--is worthy of praise.  How much time and energy does it take, really, to say, "Thanks!"
3. Listen.  If there is one thing and only one thing you resolve to do this year, it is to listen to your partner.  It is easy to think that you are listening.  After all, you are in the same space or on the same phone or data line, right?  But deep listening is another matter.  What is your partner really saying to you?  What is the emotional content behind their sentences?  You need to listen to "felt" communication, not just stay on the surface.  When you hear a change in your partner's voice--in its pitch, its volume, or its speed--pay attention!  There is more going on, don't miss it.  Make your partner feel heard.
4. Share.  Tell your partner what you are thinking and feeling.  Don't hold things in and build up a well of resentment that spills over into your relationship.  It does neither partner any good to pretend that things are okay when really you are aching inside.  If your partner cares about you, they will listen (see #3, above).
5. Cooperate.  You want to have a spirit of cooperation in your relationship.  How can you solve a problem in an efficient way that best uses the talents of both people?  Life shouldn't be a power struggle.  Don't try to dominate your partner to make things go your way, or your way may be out the door!
6. Be romantic.  It's a pet peeve of mine when someone claims that they "don't know how to be romantic."  What you're really saying:  You think it's silly, or you feel silly doing something romantic, because it involves feelings.  It's such a common complaint in my office, a partner wanting romance.  Romance is a display that you thought about your partner, that you care, and that your partner is more than a warm body with whom you have occasional sex.  So learn to be romantic.  It isn't hard.  That's why they make cards, sell flowers, decorate restaurants, etc., to help you express yourself.
7. Be sensual.  Masters and Johnson famously said, "Sex is more than body parts and friction."  It breaks my heart to hear that in this day and age there are still couples that are having sex this way:  She lifts her nightgown, and he sticks it in.  Really?  Light up some candles (or use LED ones, they're safer), put on some music, spray on some fragrance, have a sip of wine or sparkling water, and get into some lovemaking.
8. Take care of personal problems.  Don't let your personal problems wear out your partner.  Do you have a drinking problem?  Get help.  A bad temper?  Learn to control it.  Are you a slob?  Call an organizer, or a friend who will help you.  Are you overweight?  Diet and exercise.  A basket case?  Take a yoga class.  If you love your partner and want to keep the relationship, don't make your partner stand for bad behavior.  (I'm not talking about little problems.  A pile of magazines is different from a hallway lined with stacks of them a la "Hoarders."  Three beers on a Saturday night is different than a six pack every night.)
9. If you can't agree on something big, don't do it.  Big things include having a child, taking a job that requires a big move, owning a dog, remodeling a house, or changing careers to cause a drastic change in lifestyle.  Don't force your partner to take on obligations that will ultimately cause resentment.  If you can't get an agreement, let it go.  Learn to be content with something else.  Move on.
10. See your partner as human.  A partner isn't a target for your frustrations.  They don't exist as a means for you to work out unresolved issues from childhood.  They aren't there to fulfill your every need.  If you've managed to keep your relationship going, realize that your partner is still around because he or she loves you.  It's the least you can do to love them back.

You won't be able to do all ten of these resolutions; don't even try.  But pick one or two to work on over time.  Once you make progress and your new behavior becomes second nature, try working on another resolution.  May you find love and peace in the New Year.

5 Tips for Great Sex During the Holidays

Think that the end of the year has to mean an end to your sex life?  Just because you are running around like the proverbial chicken trying to get everything done doesn't mean that your intimate life has to be put on the shelf.  How do I know that couples stop having sex over the holidays?  First of all, many couples drop out in December because they are "too busy" to work on their sex life.  Second, the phone lights up in January with calls from couples who grew sad and disappointed with their intimacy over the holidays.  The holidays are a romantic time of year, with high expectations.  Watching ads of happy couples giving and receiving kisses, hugs, and gifts can be a reminder of what you don't have in your own life.

Here are some tips for maintaining or perhaps even regenerating your sex life over the holidays.

1. Set aside some couple time.  You don't have to go to every party and get together.  Say yes to the invitations that have meaning and no to the ones where your absence may not even be noticed.  Don't feel guilty if you decide to stay home and cuddle instead of going out to drink eggnog (which you shouldn't be doing anyway).
2. Talk about your expectations over the holidays.  Maybe your life really is filled with obligations at this time of year.  Make an agreement that you are going to connect, really connect, once a week with a date, however casual, such as grabbing a cup of cocoa and taking a walk around your neighborhood to look at lights.
3. Give the gift of sex.  Sexual pleasure really is a wonderful gift for yourself and your partner.  Make a point of telling your partner that you want to give them a great lovemaking session as part of your holiday gift.
4. Do things together, and make them romantic.  Take a morning off and go shopping together when things are relaxed and you can have fun making purchases.  Address cards and put stamps on envelopes together while you listen to favorite holiday tunes. 
5. As the New Year approaches, have a kitchen table talk about what you'd like from your partner next year.  Do you want to have sex more often--or do you want better sex?  Do you want to try something new?  Or go back to the way things were, when sex was more pleasurable?  Make a resolution to perk up your sex life next year.

Good sex doesn't happen all by itself.  If you wait for spontaneity to sweep you away, you could be waiting a long time, especially when life speeds up.  The holidays are a good time to practice giving--and getting--attention from your partner despite the demands put upon you.  Remember, you wanted a partner to give you support.  Making love is a way to replenish and refresh yourself--an intimate form of emotional support.  Slow down, hold hands, and connect with your beloved over the holidays.