The Blog Erotic at The Buehler Institute

5 Reasons to Avoid Medication for Erectile Dysfunction

If you’re a man who sometimes struggles with erectile dysfunction (ED), those television ads telling you that by popping a pill you can be ready when the time is right make it very tempting to visit the doctor and ask for a prescription.  But consider that there may be reasons not to automatically go for medication, especially if you have no medical reason to take it, e.g., you do not have diabetes, have never had prostate or other cancer, or another chronic illness.

Here are   reasons not to take medication for erectile dysfunction:

1.     You have unrealistic expectations for yourself.  If you think men should be able to have sex any time, anywhere, or under any circumstances, think again.  Most men need to feel secure, comfortable, and relaxed in order to have an erection and enjoy sex.  Men that can perform under any circumstances usually aren’t particularly sensitive or caring.  Why would you want to be in that camp?  Instead, focus on finding a partner that makes you feel special; medication shouldn’t be needed.

2.     You believe that you should be the same today as you were in your twenties.  Everything else about your body has changed.  You probably have less hair, a few wrinkles, and maybe higher cholesterol than you did when you were younger.  That’s normal aging, right?  Well, so is a small, gradual decline in testosterone.  So you may find that you aren’t quite the same in the sack, but that’s okay—you can spend the extra time that you now need to get aroused learning more about your body, your needs, and your own sexuality.

3.     You believe in mind over matter.  If that’s the case, then learning how to have an erection without medication is essential.  Having a positive outlook about your ability to have an erection will build confidence that can extend to other areas of your life.  And if it doesn’t happen, knowing how to respond to yourself gently, without anger, can also help you in the future.

4.     You realize that there is more to sex than intercourse.  You don’t need an erection to have good sex and an enjoyable time with your partner. 

5.     You’d like to “go natural.”  You don’t want to depend on pharmaceuticals if you can help it.  Of course, if you had cancer or heart disease, you’d want all the power of Western medicine.  But for a lifestyle problem like ED, you want to be able to manage it without drugs that, although overall are deemed to be safe, have the potential to cause damage.

If you want to learn how to have erections without drugs, it can be done, but you might need some guidance to help you.  Don’t rely on just an unknown web site or other questionable resources, seek the help of a psychotherapist with training in sex therapy.  Usually in a relatively short amount of time, a sex therapist can help you identify issues that prevent you from enjoying sex, give you some activities and reading to address them, and teach you something about pleasure along the way.

How to Start Having Sexual Pleasure and Stop Worrying about What's Normal

I came across a good article at EmpowerHer by colleague Marty Klein, a marriage and family therapist, on what's normal when it comes to sex.  The section that most interested me was on performance anxiety, a very common but not especially normal problem in America's bedrooms.

When it comes to sex, performance anxiety is a real paradox.  The more anxious you are about making the right moves to please your partner in bed, the less likely you are to do it.  Not that you shouldn't try, but you need to approach pleasure with pleasure, not with fear and trepidation. 

That fear is often about rejection.  You may feel that one false move--a lick of the wrong part of the ear, a too loud slurp at your partner's privates--and you're going to be banished from the boudoir.  Or show up with the wrong equipment--breasts that are too small, thighs that are too dimpled, a penis that curves--and you might as well call it quits.

Those fears come, in part, from social pressures to be perfect.  Look at Susan Boyle--as soon as she was seen to have talent, she had to have the casings to go with it.  Or look at television:  kisses as choreographed as a Cirque du Soleil performance. 

Even medicine gets in on the act, with something I saw referred to in a medical journal as the "sexual performance perfection industry."  It isn't good enough to have a semi-decent erection--it needs to be hard, from medicine.  It isn't good enough to use natural lubrication--it has to be warming or tingling lubrication bought off the shelf. 

It's perfectly okay to show up and be yourself in bed.  And it's perfectly okay to ask your partner to accept you as you are.  Of course, you can be open to feedback on your technique, and you should ask your partner to listen to you, as well.  But learning to make love better with your partner is a lot different than learning to make love perfectly.  It isn't necessary.  It's better to be real.  Really.